S4M6: Shafted late on

So this week was impressive in a 'well...didn't see that coming' way. A record 4 games where not a single one of us managed to correctly predict. Shambles. In fairness, at least from a personal perspective, if the games had finished at 80 minutes, I'd have done a whole lot better.

Specifically: Newcastle equalising, Southampton winning and Man City equalising. Also, Spurs lost in 74th minute. So no justice there. Obviously I meant "result at a suitably late time to cash out".

That said - the pain of the Man City equaliser was utterly overcome by the lush joy of the Chelsea twittersphere. One friend (particularly-gobby-chelsea-fan-type) got sent snapchat videos of the goal.  And replays. He told me to leave him alone 'cos he was hurting. Meh,

Also amusing, although somewhat expected these days, was the Man Utd second half implosion. Now, in all fairness, the second Leicester goal was a joke of a decision - however - that performance was Arsenal at St James' Park levels of incompetence (I should point out, also the victims of bent dodgy refereeing). I did get a tad excited with the Di Maria goal though, and Falcao's effort was also might sexy. So not all bad news.

In Man Utd related news, I'd like to share Doron's excitement in his predictions last week at being the highest scorer. That's what this game is all about - it's like the Make a Wish Foundation for shocking predictors. If you've been touched by this tale, and want to donate before Christmas (generously), then I accept cash, cheques, credit cards, stamps, postal orders, travellers cheques and assorted niknaks (rib'n'spicy obviously).

Too much chat. Let's get statty:

This week, 20 people played
The most popular predicted result: Everton WIN (20/20)
The most disputed result: Newcastle vs Hull (7-6-6 split)

Highest odds: Doron Salomon 7239/1
Lowest odds: Sam Ruback 1775/1
Average odds: 4924/1

Best predictor: Lawro & Joe Abbott (5/10)
Worst predictor: Steven Daniels & EuroClub Index (1/10)
Average score: 2.85/10

Best predicted result: Arsenal WIN (18/20)
Worst predicted results: West Ham, Leicester, WBA & Crystal Palace WINS (0/20)

Everyone's results:

Now to the leaderboard - >2/3 of weeks played gets you on here so it's 4/5 this week.

Bottom. Bloody bottom. For the first time ever. What in the name of Glenn Helder is going on there? Thankfully, Excel feels my pain and has ensured that for some reason, it doesn't put me bottom-bottom. As any good Scouser would say, next week's my week.

To those predictions:

Liverpool vs Everton - DRAW
Chelsea vs Aston Villa - CHELSEA
Crystal Palace vs Leicester - LEICESTER
Hull vs Man City - MAN CITY
Man Utd vs West Ham - MAN UTD
Southampton vs QPR - SOUTHAMPTON
Sunderland vs Swansea - DRAW
Arsenal vs Spurs - ARSENAL
WBA vs Burnley - WBA
Stoke vs Newcastle - STOKE

No odds just yet

Good luck guys!

S4M5: PL>International football

By the end of the early kick off, it became clear what a waste the last 2 weeks had been. I don't know why international football has a propensity to be dull - I assume it's a natural caution due to the lack of time to form a cohesive squad - but that can't be true for all teams. Anyway, the game at the Emirates was bloody brilliant, even if the result was ultimately unsatisfying for both sets of fans.

A great day followed - another stormer of a game at the Bridge, some great goals in Southampton and shock away wins in Liverpool and Stoke. Harry Kane lol'd it up to ruin everyone's day here, WBA continued their miserable 2 months, and Burnley scraped a draw from the jaws of victory in the relegation favourites clash at Selhurst Park. Man Utd finally played well for the first time in a decade - although Pinner U14s could get at least a score draw against QPR, before another great game to close the Matchday off between Mo Diame's past & present employers.

All in all thoroughly enjoyable. More please this week.

Let's get statty:

This week, 23 people played
The most popular predicted result: Liverpool WIN (23/23)
Most disputed result: Arsenal vs Man City (11-5-6 split)

Highest odds: AFM 43,247/1 (yeah...thats forty-three thousand...)
Lowest odds: Steven Daniels 438/1
Average odds: 9882/1 (3208/1 if you exclude our anomaly)

Best scorer: Doron Salomon (7/10)
Lowest score: AFM (1/10 - even she couldn't see Newcastle getting anything) (I shouldn't "even she" anything - wait till the table)
Average score: 4.45/10

Best predicted score: Chelsea WIN (22/23)
Worst predicted result: Aston Villa WIN (0/23)

Everyone's results:

To the table, for those who've played >2/3 of games (so 3/4 this week):

In summary: big range, lots of movement, early days yet.

This week's predos:

QPR vs Stoke - DRAW

Aston Villa vs Arsenal - ARSENAL

Burnley vs Sunderland -  SUNDERLAND

Newcastle vs Hull - HULL

Swansea vs Southampton - DRAW 

West Ham vs Liverpool - LIVERPOOL

Leicester vs Man Utd - MAN UTD

Spurs vs WBA - SPURS

Everton vs Crystal Palace - EVERTON 

Man City vs Chelsea - CHELSEA

Total odds: 3548/1 (PaddyPower)

Good luck guys.

S4M4: The first table

Howdy folks.

How was the break? Go anywhere nice? Switzerland perhaps? Seemed like a good enough performance, although I was sort of focussed elsewhere so only really looked up when Clive Tyldesley got all excited. So, every 2 minutes then.

Anyway, I'm pleased for Roy and the rest of the squad that they had a nice break and got an opportunity to stock up on Toblerone and Emmental. I've just done a whole mental thing where I thought how great a international footballer's single malt collection must be given the opportunities to pass through duty-free - but then realised that 1) they probably don't really give a hoot about saving a few pounds, 2) probably can't drink regularly anyway and 3) go through duty-free so often that it's less of a thing. So I've dropped that thought.

Welbz did wel (see what I did there? Can't learn that at journalism school, unless you take Headline Writing  in the Sun 101. Er..yeah) scoring a brace to secure a win in the hardest game on paper. This is fortunate, because him scoring allows me to segue seamlessly in the TDD shenanigans. To return to the flat-topped one, I owe a personal apology to him as I was a bit neggy about him coming to a big club. I think it was probably misplaced frustration at the lack of defensive signings - so Danny, feel free to pop round and have a duty-free purchase at me. Just the one mind - need you match fit. Hull also had a good TDD with some very exotic talent arriving on the North Sea coast. Some Scouse bloke waited hours with a purple sex-toy just to assault a missionary from the Book of Jim White (matching ties....nice), which, whilst a bit childish, at least beat the blow up dolls seen elsewhere. I also have to admit to chuckling at the balaclaved people with a coordinated campaign to explete on TV. It's not big, and it's not clever - but I like puerile stuff so bum, willy, poo & fart. Hopefully, Sky will now end the TDD extravaganza and we can just report signings like normal people. Fat bloody chance.

It would be remiss to not talk briefly about Falcao - who has given up Monte Carlo for Manchester. Literally insane. It's gonna cost Utd a fortune, and more next summer if the reported purchase price is true - but the lad will score goals, if he can stay fit. Assuming his knees, and those of RVP don't explode, that's now a ridiculous front line, assisted by Di Maria, Herrera and Mata, with a maximum of 47 games to play. Bold statement - LvG going full Kevin Keegan though, with Smalling, Jones & Evans at the back for the whole season.

Which leads to the football from the last matchday (I'm on segue fire today). Somehow, Utd contrived to still not win a game, and apparently could have lost the point they did gain. City got battered 1-0 at home, whilst Arsenal dropped points to Leicester. Spurs continued their new found tradition of rolling over for Liverpool, whilst QPR gained their first PL win. Games of the round were at St James' Park, where a last minute Zaha equaliser ruined many people's betting slips/predos and at Goodison where both teams decided to play rush-goalies or something. Not a clue how that game (on paper) became a 6-3!

Finally - I know I can't read graphs, thanks for pointing this out repeatedly. They're actually pretty hard, and I've given away my GCSE CGP book, so yeah. Feneley gets a bonus Impossibilipoint for his honesty (non-transferable, actual value 0.0001 point) and the records are updated accordingly.

'Nuff chat - let's get statty:

This week, 23 people played
Most popular predicted result: Man City WIN (23/23)
Most disputed result: Spurs vs Liverpool (5-7-11 split)

Highest odds: Mrs Feneley - 8019/1
Lowest odds: Steven Daniels - 1467/1
Average odds: 3706/1

Best Predictors: FinkTank, Chernick and Charlie Rawson (6/1)
Worst Predictor: Me (1/10)
Average score: 3.55/10

Best predicted result: Swansea WIN (20/23)
Worst predicted result: Stoke WIN (0/23)

Everyone's results:

And now, the unveiling of the leaderboard for the first time this season. To recap for our newbies, the leaderboard only shows those who have played >2/3 of games to avoid small sample bias (ie 1 good week and then never playing again). So, for this week, it's only showing those who have played all 3 weeks.

Josh Gaon in top spot - clearly he's forgotten which trophy he's playing for, joint with Mrs Feneley, yes, her of the ridiculous odds. Perennial conservators Charlie Rawson & Steven Daniels make up the top 4, along with Jonny Chernick who's had a great start. Fink Tank leads the pros, equal with Josh Daniels who has a nosebleed from being this high up the table. Down at the bottom, James Tobias is reaping the bad karma sowed from his macabre bullying of me a few weeks ago, although to be fair, I'm not doing that much better.

Long way to go yet - let's get a human name on the trophy this year!

This week's predos:
Arsenal vs Man City - DRAW
Chelsea vs Swansea - CHELSEA
Crystal Palace vs Burnley - PALACE
Southampton vs Newcastle - SOUTHAMPTON
Stoke vs Leicester - STOKE
Sunderland vs Spurs - SPURS
WBA vs Everton - DRAW
Liverpool vs Aston Villa - LIVERPOOL
Man Utd vs QPR - MAN UTD (Like....seriously...enough already)
Hull vs West Ham - HULL

Total odds: 915/1

Good luck guys. Remember, if you want to receive immediate notification - we're trialling the Yo platform now - download on Android, iPhone, Windows & Blackberry and send a Yo to Impossibilitee to be added to the list!

Yo! Impossibilitee

Just a short post to let you know about a new techy thing we're trialling here at Impossibilitee Manor.

There exists an app for iPhone, Android, Amazon & Google store - it's called Yo.

Now, I'm told from various Silicon Valley ITKs that this is the next thing - and like a hipster to a unicycle, I'm all about the next big thing, before it's the next big thing. Or something.

Anyway - how it works is very simple - download Yo to your phone, search for 'Impossibilitee' and send me a 'Yo' - which is basically all this app does. I'll Yo you back, 'cos I'm friendly like that, but will in future send you a Yo whenever a new post goes up.

This means that you'll get a Yo push notification to your phone immediately when the new post is up - thus saving you from going via Facebook or Twitter. Apparently, I can also Yo you the link too...so it should make life easier and faster.

Anyway, I thought we'd give this a trial for a few weeks, so download Yo now and get in touch and let me know if you prefer this method. If you have already got Yo, just click here to subscribe.

I'll continue with FB & Twitter for the next few weeks too as a fall-back.

Results & Predos to follow next week when the PL is back. 

That is all.Have a good weekend

S4M3: The Usual Suspects (and Spurs)

I don't believe in league tables being published until after 3 matches of the season, as noted before. However, the wider media don't share my concerns and have already started the ranking process. This is, of course, an utterly pointless exercise, unless you're a Spurs fan (in which case, you're likely used to pointless exercises) and therefore are excited that you sit astride the table, like a chicken on a basketball, for the first time since Danny Blanchflower retired. Man City and Chelsea also have 100% records to date...although the former has beaten last season's runners up, whilst the latter has beaten 2 relegation candidates like a mean, Russo-Portuguese playground bully. Despicable. Swansea make up the group yet to drop a point, with their 2nd victory over a side looking to beat the drop this season too. I reckon it's the Fabianski effect.

Elsewhere, Arsenal showed some famous mental spirit to salvage a point at Goodison, and proved, yet again, that they are world leaders in medical science, with the Diaby-Giroud leg transplant proving a great success. Southampton belied the optimism of their Anfield performance with a torturous 90 minutes against the already non-descript WBA - change a few words and you could talk about Villa there too. The big result came at Selhurst Park, where, as mentioned on the ever-interesting Guardian Football podcast (this week, we learnt about snake sexuality & reproduction....thanks Malky), Chamakh, Downing and Carlton Cole all scored in the same game. The next day - an earthquake in California. Coincidence? Je pense not.

Although I don't generally talk in length about the league cup, it can't be let to slip aside - the whole Man Utd thing is just insane now. It shows Fergie to be a bloody genius to drag this squad + the geriatric Vidic, Rio, Scholes & Giggs to a league title. Funniest tweet was the one about Di Maria having already handed in a transfer request. I snorted a little when I read that and some cake fell onto my lap. True story. I'm a sharer.

Let's get statty:

This week, 21 people played
Most predicted result: Chelsea & Spurs WINS (21/21)
Most disputed result: Palace vs West Ham (5-8-8 split)

Highest odds: Andrew Feneley's Mum (8381/1)
Lowest odds: Me (1191/1)
Average odds: 2769/1

Best predictors: Feneley (Jr), Josh Gaon & Adrian Daniels (8/10)
Worst predictor: James Tobias (3/10) - stick that in your snarky comment pipe.
Average score: 5.67/10

Best predicted results: Chelsea & Spurs WINS (21/21)
Worst predicted result: Southampton vs WBA DRAW (4/10)

Everyone's results:

To this week's predos:

Burnley vs Man Utd - MAN UTD
Man City vs Stoke - MAN CITY
Newcastle vs Crystal Palace - NEWCASTLE
QPR vs Sunderland - SUNDERLAND
Swansea vs WBA - SWANSEA
West Ham vs Southampton - DRAW
Everton vs Chelsea - DRAW
Aston Villa vs Hull - DRAW
Spurs vs Liverpool - SPURS
Leicester vs Arsenal - ARSENAL

Total odds: 2978/1 (PaddyPower)

Good luck y'all

S4M2: Some things never change

So after the first 90 minutes of the new season, we were all onto a loser. All bar one thought that van Gaal would start his reign with a home win, but the newest occupant of the Old Trafford manager's office (Man Utd mouse mat and all....) picked up where the Moyesiah had left off with a record-setting reverse. I don't know much more than the MOTD highlights due to work & cricket, but I think that a lot of the hot air has been let out of the more gobby Man Utd fans, who were expecting a romp back to the title race. It's only 1 game...but it serves as a reminder that the squad is not as strong as others...notably the 2 blue favourites for the title, who both had comfortable wins.

In other news, Villa surprised everyone, including themselves by winning away - although they did this last season too, so it's only a good first step. Hull gave a welcome back wedgy to QPR and Arsenal huffed and puffed, and eventually Rambo'd the house down. Spurs completed the set of North London late winners with a late winner from their debutant, spawning a series of Dier puns. Liverpool also scraped to a rusty win over their feeder team, whilst 2 2-2 draws saw a great goal from McGeady and some shocking upper body strength from Victor Anichebe, who contributes bugger all else on the pitch.

In summary, the first weekend was a tad rusty, but no real surprises after the Swansea win. This weekend, however, sees the first big match up, between Man City & Liverpool. along with Arsenal's trip to Everton and 'Arry's return to the Lane. So hopefully, a little more action, although in all honesty, I'd take a scrappy 2-1 win every week.

Let's get statty:

This week, 24 people played
Most predicted results: Arsenal & Chelsea WINS (24/24)
Most disputed result: QPR vs Hull (13-8-3 split)

Highest odds: New arrival Andrew Feneley's Mum (3903/1). Feneley himself was in second place - clearly bets are placed in that household after a few bottles....
Lowest odds: Staying with the parental theme - professional risk avoider Steven Daniels with a cautious 439/1
Average odds: 1461/1

Highest scorer: Charlie Rawson 7/10
Lowest scorer: James Tobias & Doron Salomon 4/10
Average score: 5.46/10

Best predicted result: Arsenal & Chelsea WINS (24/24)
Worst predicted result: Swansea WIN (0/24)

Everyone's scores:

No league tables until after the 3rd match (old school).

To this week's predictions:

Aston Villa vs Newcastle - ASTON VILLA
Chelsea vs Leicester - CHELSEA
Crystal Palace vs West Ham - DRAW
Southampton vs WBA - SOUTHAMPTON
Swansea vs Burnley - SWANSEA
Everton vs Arsenal - DRAW
Hull vs Stoke - HULL
Spurs vs QPR - SPURS
Sunderland vs Man Utd - MAN UTD
Man City vs Liverpool - MAN CITY

Total odds: 1191/1 (PaddyPower)

Good luck guys!

Season 4: Back for more

So welcome back everyone, good to see some old faces, and some new too! What's gone on in the last 6 weeks since I last posted? Well - we had a vorsprungdurchtechnik ending to a great world cup, faithfully reported on by Impossibiliter Josh Daniels from Brazil. I'm looking forward to getting a few hundred additional hits from South America each week as I'm sure he did nothing but spread the word far and wide.

Or just drunk several caiprinhas for breakfast before passing out for the rest of the day on Copacabana, making uncouth gestures at the window of the ITV studio.

Anyway - in more PL-centric news, there's been some interesting transfer activity. Man City have strengthened stealthily, and I for one, am looking forward to seeing the Fernando 'Barack Obama' (!?!?!) - Fernandinho axis playing whenever David Pleat is commentating for whoever he commentates for these days. Liverpool have bought half of Southampton, but sold Dracula for a Levy-esque price to well-known moral giants Barcelona. Brendan Rodgers also seems to have something of a left-back fetish at the minute, buying & loaning his way through the Primera Liga's full-backs. Chelsea have bought big with Diego Costa arriving in the most left-field transfer of the window. I don't think anyone heard a peep about that deal before it started. They also signed someone else but I've forgotten who and unfortunately have recently been diagnosed with amnesia so I doubt I'll ever be able to square that circle. Arsenal have signed their second superstar from Spain in successive seasons in Sanchez, Alexis. (I'll stop now). They've also signed Colombian no.1 David Ospina from Nice (which is nice) who, as everyone now knows is James Rodriguez's brother in law. This means 2 things: 1) Rodriguez is clearly coming to Arsenal in a few years (ITK) and 2) We should have more Colombians at the Emirates this season (and eating on Holloway Rd) which is a good thing. Take that as you will.

Everton have smashed their transfer record for Lukaku, whilst Spurs have reached the "young, foreign high-pressing manager" stage of their coaching cycle again. My bet's on Paul Ince to replace him by January. Man Utd have also spent big and have a manger with the ego required to stand in the shadow of the SAF stand. With no European distractions, they are clearly as dark a horse as a world superpower can be. A depleted Southampton will no doubt be scoring a lot of bullet freekicks this season, if they have anyone to take them.

Everyone else gets lumped together because 1) they could all go down and 2) this is already too long to read and I know that your attention span is similar to mine. Stoke have signed Bojan which I would not have predicted a few years ago, Nouveachateau have gone all Pardieu again, although with a slight Dutch flavour. West Ham are going to be this year's comedy club with the Daves and BFS having an on-pith altercation at half-time before the end of September I reckon. BFS clearly will be dominating before being hit from behind with a cheap shot from a steel chair by a leather-clad Karen Brady whilst Howard Webb, in his new career, is being distracted by a 25% off Ann Summers voucher being waved in his face by David Gold.

I'd also like to wish good luck to the new guys - all ready with their lunchboxes and shiny, clean boots. I hope Leicester do well, even with Coach Lasso in charge, am looking forward to seeing Sean Dyche in action (and again, David Pleat commentating there) and if I'm honest, am looking forward to 'Arry being abused around the grounds before resigning when QPR are doomed, but not mathematically down to save his reputation.

The Community Shield last weekend meant that the season has now begun - not in terms of trophies won or great meaning for the title race, but in the simple phrasing of "this season" not "next season". That said, on a personal note, I'm getting quite attached to leaving Wembley with shiny things and would like it to continue.

So to the game - a quick recap of the rules for the forgetful and the new:

• Each week, I'll put up the fixtures for the next round (or 2) of Premier League games.
• You comment with the team you think will will, or if you think it'll be a draw.
• I'll add in some Pro opinions and some statistical prediction models.
• I'll do some basic stats and a league table for those who play >2/3 of weeks.
• The winner at the end of the year gets the coveted Impossibilitee Trophy ***ooooooh....shiiiiiny***

• If you want to win some money, then enter the Pay Game - £10 to be paid before the end of September and payouts for the top 3 players (70-20-10 ratio). Obviously the size of the payout depends on the size of the pot - so the more players the bigger the prizes!

That's basically it - if comments don't work, you can always message me on Facebook, Twitter or any other means, providing I get your predictions before the first game. Any late submissions will have any games that have already started ignored. If there are 7 or fewer games in a weekend, then I don't play as this can skew the results - this is usually only an issue by the end of the season on FA Cup weekends.

Any questions, post them in the comments and I'll answer ASAP. I've also started a new job which should mean that my postings become a lot more consistent - Thursday night at the latest for a weekend round of fixtures. I can't always guarantee a great blog post full of wit & humour, but I'm sure you'll all survive.

To this season's first batch of Predictions:

Man Utd vs Swansea - MAN UTD

Leicester vs Everton - EVERTON

QPR vs Hull - QPR

Stoke vs Aston Villa - STOKE

WBA vs Sunderland - DRAW

West Ham vs Spurs - DRAW

Arsenal vs Crystal Palace - ARSENAL

Liverpool vs Southampton - LIVERPOOL

Newcastle vs Man City - MAN CITY

Burnley vs Chelsea - CHELSEA

Total odds: 728/1 (optional, but let me have them if you place an accumulator bet)

Good luck everyone - please spread the word and let's see if we can get record numbers to continue the growth of the world's first (& only? dunno, too lazy to check) accumulator accumulator. If you want in for the cash game, let me know and I'll let you know how. Until next week...