Matchday 6: Month 2 comes to a close

Friends, recently my life has taken a turn for the worst. Self-inflicted, undeniably but nevertheless, my sanity is being gradually eroded as a result of action I've recently taken.

I now listen to TalkSport in the car.

What an utter crock of 6 different types of farmyard manure, left to ferment and stew under an equatorial sun (obviously covered, or else it'd just dry out and your could use it for fuel or building houses or whatever, and I'm definitely not driving at it being a useful, innovative byproduct of life where resources are scarce. I digress).

Alan Brazil and whichever moron he's persuaded to roll out of bed that morning jabbering with inane cliches, with as much insight into a modern, professional game (instead of his dinosaur era 'bite-yer-legs' playing days) get me going before I've even got to work. It says a lot about you when Neil Warnock (FFS!!!!) is the most sane man on your show. But he's essentially harmless. The standard, better-in-our-day old pro struggling to retain the limelight. It's a shame they can't all be like gents of the game such as (former colleague) John Radford or (former Impossibilitee player, I should really give him a call) Sir Bobby Charlton, but such is life. However, he's nothing compared to the gobshite who ruins my commute home.

Adrian Durham. Clown Prince of c***** (my mother may well read this blog). A vicious little bugger if there ever was one, who together with the probably-not-racist-but-would-probably-at-least-entertain-the-BNP-canvasser-for-10-minutes-or-so-on-the-doorstep-and-may-offer-him-a-biscuit Darren Gough produce some of the most vapid, hypocritical broadcasting available in any country in the world. Thanks to TuneIn Radio (plug, sponsorship please), I've actually checked. 

Durham can never be wrong - when callers point out the errors in his warped logic, he verbally assaults them into submission with a mixture of low-grade insults and informing the caller that the verbatim quotation provided from 10 minutes earlier was never uttered by him at any point, ever. He'll have a bash at anyone and anything because it'll give him an extra 5 minutes of content, with no joined up thinking to a theory espoused earlier. He's a school bully, and part of me wants to call in and let rip, and most of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of getting a rise. So, I've ranted here, 'cos it's my blog and I want to; and otherwise I'd have to discuss the football and nothing major happened last week.

And I know I could switch to a different channel, but after experimenting I've come to the conclusion that they're all rubbish/repetitive and at least they choose new topics to be imbecilic about daily.

PS. Stan Collymore actually talks some sense, if occasionally a little communisty for my liking. Matt Holland's not terrible either, but just gets shouted down. 

PPS. Brendan Rogers should keep quiet. David Moyes should buy a Fergie mask and coat before training tomorrow so as to fool his squad into playing like the old days. Spurs are jammy, but deserved and Mouinho's a cock. And I know it's only 5 games in but whatever - we are top of the league, say we are top of the league!

Just be glad I didn't put an umlaut on every single 'o' in this piece.

Let's get statty:

This week, 26 people played

Most predicted result: Arsenal & Chelsea WINS (26/26)

Most disputed result: Norwich vs Aston Villa (7-9-9 split, one no result)

Highest odds: Josh Daniels 7040/1

Lowest odds: Will O' Doherty 1125/1

Average odds: 3458/1

Best predictor: Me, EuroClubIndex, Fink Tank, Yanik Joshi, Eli Daniels & Nathan Daniels (7/10)

Worst predictor: Nick Collins (2/10)

Average score: 5.35/10

Best predicted result: Arsenal & Chelsea WINS (26/26)

Worst predicted result: Southampton & Hull WINS (0/26)

Everyone's results:

To the leaderboard, and as always only those who have played >2/3 of games (or 4/5 so far) are eligible:

As one would expect, still pretty congested and at this stage, a couple of extreme results can cause major changes to the leaderboard.

This week's predictions:

Spurs vs Chelsea - DRAW

Aston Villa vs Man City - MAN CITY

Fulham vs Cardiff - CARDIFF

Hull vs West Ham - HULL

Man Utd vs WBA - MAN UTD

Southampton vs Palace - SOUTHAMPTON

Swansea vs Arsenal - ARSENAL

Stoke vs Norwich - DRAW

Sunderland vs Liverpool - LIVERPOOL

Everton vs Newcastle - EVERTON

Total odds: 1715/1 (PaddyPower)

Final order of business - This is the last set of predictions in September and therefore the last opportunity to enter the pay game. Thanks to those who have already paid their entrance fee, and those who have indicated a willingness to me - I'll chase you up once I know everyone who is in. If you haven't yet done so, please indicate with your predictions this week if you're keen and I'll chase you next week.

Good luck guys.

Matchday 4 Results & Matchday 5 Predos: Ain't nobody perfect

So the first fixtures after the transfer window shut have left an interesting shadow behind - the 2 Merseyside clubs are the only teams to remain undefeated, with Liverpool failing to win for the first time this season. Chelsea hammered away at Goodison, but Naismith's success where Eto'o had previously failed made Mou appear pretty helpless on the touchline.

Özil required 10 minutes to make his first impact in English football before Ramsey secured the points, compounding Atkinson's sole error in not playing on (for me, how you could penalise Sagna or Altidore against the other when they were both grappling in the same, illegal way - and as for a red card....do me a favour, it's quite clearly not a DOGSO when the 'foul' occurs). Eriksen looked sik tings at the Lane, and Gylfi obviously finally managed to swing back via Reading to collect his shooting boots. Ashley Young got his first dive of the season under his belt, then succumbed to gravity rather quickly a few minutes later - a foul was fair, but the decision to give a penalty was poor. The game, however will be remembered, for an outstandingly terrible bit of headgear from Rooney - could Cech not have lent him his scrum cap? City continue there remarkably average start to the season, whilst Newcastle seem to have got stronger by doing literally nothing. The promoted sides were understandably favourites to go down at the start of the season - and don't seem to be doing much to alter that opinion. Finally - I had a feeling Southampton vs West Ham would be one of those cracking games between similarly matched clubs. God I was wrong.

Let's get statty:

This week, 28 people played
The most popular result was Man Utd WIN (28/28)
The most disputed result was Hull vs Cardiff (8-11-9 split)

The highest odds were from Tarek Najm (4740/1)
The lowest odds were from Dan Grabiner (541/1)
Average odds: 2392/1

Best predictor: Tarek (7/10)
Worst predictors: EuroClubIndex, Fink Tank, Will O Doherty, Nathan Daniels & Sam Ruback
Average score: 4.43/10

Best predicted result: Man Utd WIN (28/28)
Worst predicted result: Newcastle & Everton WINS (1/28 - congrats Tarek & Doron)

Everyone's results:

Now the leaderboard (updated to include Yanik's results from M3, sorry...)

Possibly the most people we've ever had on a leaderboard - thought very early days still!

Another reminder too about the pay game - thanks to those who've already paid - but a few more makes the pot even larger! Let me know if you're in and we'll sort the payment out.

To this week's predictions:

Norwich vs Aston Villa

Liverpool vs Southampton

Newcastle vs Hull

WBA vs Sunderland

West Ham vs Everton

Chelsea vs Fulham

Arsenal vs Stoke

Crystal Palace vs Swansea

Cardiff vs Spurs

Man City vs Man Utd

I'll be filling mine out later in the week.

Good luck as always.

Matchday 3 Results, the first leaderboard of the season and Matchday 4 Predos

It's been 2 weeks since I last put digital ink to virtual paper, and we have all learnt much during this time. I'd wager that the red half of North London have now all learnt the keyboard shortcut for 'ö' for their own computer (alt +0246 for windows, folks), I reckon that most have learnt that TalkSport really is a load of old camel knackers, and I personally have learnt that the internet ain't what it used to be.

There were plenty of  occasions last year where I left the data entry until I came to write the blog. Painstakingly, I trawled through the twitter feed of Collywobbles, or searched through BBC archives for the correct week of Lawro's predictions. This year, however, little joy is to be found - due to my own tardiness, there are significantly fewer 'experts' in last week's results than usual. The lesson has been learned - from now, those passive players will be canvassed in a timely fashion.

That said - I think they did well out of this one. I'm not entirely sure what's going on this season, but a fair few of us are struggling to get out of our strides. A few weeks into the season, and the creaking predictions of pre-season must, surely, now be oiled out. Pretty please? 'cos I'm not sure I can take another week's abysmal score.

Let's get statty:

This week, 22 players played
The most popular predicted results were West Ham & Man City WINS (21/22)
The most disputed result was WBA vs Swansea (8-8-6 split)

The highest odds were Jonny Chernick (7616/1)
The lowest odds were Sam Ruback (2008/1)
The average odds were 4158/1

The best predictors were Eli Daniels & Lawro (6/9)
The worst predictor was Daniel Wigman & Dan Grabiner (1/9)
Average score this week: 3.45/9

Best predicted result: Man City WIN (21/22)
Worst predicted result: Stoke WIN (0/22)

Everyone's results:

And, as promised, the first leaderboard of the season. As always, to qualify for the leaderboard, you have to have participated in >2/3 of available matchdays - or this week, in all 3 weeks.

Very good start for last season's whipping boys, Jonny & Tarek. I've got my customary slow start, but as all good Liverpool fans know, this year could be our (my) year.

This week's predictions are as follows:

Man Utd vs Crystal Palace - MAN UTD

Aston Villa vs Newcastle - ASTON VILLA

Fulham vs WBA - DRAW

Hull vs Cardiff - CARDIFF

Stoke vs Man City - MAN CITY

Sunderland vs Arsenal - ÖRSENAL

Spurs vs Norwich - SPURS

Everton vs Chelsea - CHELSEA

Southampton vs West Ham - DRAW

Swansea vs Liverpool - DRAW

Total odds: 2652/1 (PaddyPower)

Good luck guys, and normal service will be resumed next week (experts are already in the database!)

Matchday 2 results and Matchday 3 predos: Overshadowed by the Transfer window

Arsene Wenger, amongst others, is a strong proponent of the transfer window closing prior to the start of the new season. His reasoning is that it makes for a fairer league if the team you potentially play in August as the same you could play in October. I think that point's a fair one, however, there is another darned annoying side effect of the transfer window overlapping the football season - the back pages, news broadcasts and internet ignores the actual football - you know, the thing that makes it all tick - to focus on the transfer stories. The carriage is very much driving the horse for this portion of the season and it's rather annoying. Writing this blog, I should have filled my head with Cardiff stunning City, with Moyes' first real test, with Arsenal shrugging off the crisis headlines, or with Liverpool's continued inability to finish off minnows efficiently.

Instead, I've just spent an hour listening to AVB say essentially nothing about a story that has hardly progressed in 2 months. I'm so incredibly bored of the constant need to have a saga or 3 in the papers, year in year out. This summer, we've had Rooney, Suarez and Bale. In previous years, Van Persie, Tevez, Gerrard, Fabregas and many more have had their columns in the sun (mixed-metaphor pun semi-intended). The silly season gets going from April, runs through to September, then goes again from November through to February. Ceaseless prattle, and I've just added to the babbling by writing 2 paragraphs about nothing.

In short, I no longer care whether Bale stays or goes (even though it would be clearly beneficial to my own team were he to start having tortilla espanola regularly for breakfast) or if Rooney kisses the backside of Moyes or Mourinho next week - frankly, I would just like to wake up next week and have the discussion dominated by events on the pitch, not this summer's most tedious of transfers.

*gets off soapbox*

Cardiff eh? That screwed us all. Let's get statty:

This week, 29 people played
Most popular predicted result: Everton WIN (28/29)
Most disputed result: Man Utd vs Chelsea (9-13-7 split)

Highest odds: Jonathan Chernick 8403/1
Lowest odds: Sam Ruback again, 760/1
Average odds: 4395/1

Best predictor: Chernick with a cracking 8/10! Unlucky!
Worst predictors: Yanik Joshi & Joe Miller (1/10)
Average score: 4.07/10

Best predicted result: Arsenal WIN (24/29)
Worst predicted result: Cardiff WIN (0/29)

Everyone's results:

Leaderboard to follow after the weekend.

This week's predictions:

Man City vs Hull - MAN CITY

Cardiff vs Everton - EVERTON

Newcastle vs Fulham - DRAW

Norwich vs Southampton - DRAW

West Ham vs Stoke - WEST HAM

Crystal Palace vs Sunderland - SUNDERLAND

Liverpool vs Man Utd - DRAW

WBA vs Swansea - DRAW

Arsenal vs Spurs - ARSENAL

Total odds: 3775/1 (PaddyPower)

Only the 9 matches this week as Cheslea played Villa last week.

So just 2 orders of business before I let you get on with your day:

The first is that there is still time to enter for the pay game - either use paypal (£10 to ccdaniels65@gmail.com)  or contact me and I'll sort out a different method of payment.

The second is that I'm looking to give the site a bit of an overhaul and so, if you are a website designery type, or know someone who is, please get in touch!

Have a good week guys, and the first leaderboard of the new season will be published in next week's blog!

Matchday 2: Playing catch up already

As previous players know, on occasion, this blog goes out without a coat on, or shoes, or one time underpants, and has to scuttle back inside for a quick costume change in the hope no-one has noticed.

Well not today - I'm standing there proud [this is taking a turn for the weird - Ed] and delivering a half-cooked post for this matchday. I've been working on call since the last post, and so my time for anything has been severely limited by the insane workload that can be generated in a week.

I've seen precisely 3 gifs of football in the last week, which is nowhere near enough for me to feel that the season has begun/write something here about the opening day.

So please, accept this page as a placeholder, and tomorrow, I'll trawl the depths of the internet to fill in all the scores/results from last week and do a proper blog post.

Update: RESULTS FROM MATCHDAY 1

Last week's stats:

31 people played
Most predicted result: Chelsea WIN (31/31)
Most disputed result: Norwich vs Everton (11-9-11 split)

Highest odds: Josh Daniels 3316/1
Lowest odds: Sam Ruback 516/1
Average odds: 1300/1

Best predictor: Stan Collymore (8/10)
Worst predictor: Ryan Wain & Tarek Najm (4/10)
Average score: 5.74/10

Best predicted result: Chelsea WIN (31/31)
Worst predicted result: Aston Villa WIN (0/31)

Everyone's results:

'Cos I'm a traditionalist, no leaderboard until after Matchday 3.

As you were....

This week's predictions:

Fulham vs Arsenal - ARSENAL
Everton vs WBA - EVERTON
Hull vs Norwich - NORWICH
Newcastle vs West Ham - WEST HAM
Southampton vs Sunderland - SOUTHAMPTON
Stoke vs Crystal Palace - DRAW
Aston Villa vs Liverpool - DRAW
Cardiff vs Man City - MAN CITY
Spurs vs Swansea - SPURS
Man Utd vs Chelsea - CHELSEA

Total odds: 4810/1 (Paddypower)

Finally, just a reminder for those who want to try their hand at winning some actual cash, send me your stakes either through paypal or contact me directly for other methods. Had a few so far, but the more who play, the bigger the pot.

Good luck guys, stats to follow tomorrow

Season 3, Matchday 1: Here we go!

The time is upon us.

All around the country, fantasy football teams have been submitted, replica shirts are being taken out the packaging and food wholesalers are emptying their shelves of soft buns, plastic cheese slices and those ridiculously large condiment bottles that I'm pretty sure can last an entire season. Programmes are being printed and the first hybrid scarves are making their way from China to a Premier League ground near you.

A quick reminder of how to play for those new to us, or with an inability to remember details after a 3 months hiatus:

Before every matchday (7+ games, too few skew the stats), the fixtures will go up here. Just copy & paste the fixture list into a comment and put the result next to the fixture. You have 3 choices: Home win, Draw or Away win.

ie Arsenal vs Aston Villa - ARSENAL
    Cardiff vs Chelsea - DRAW

and so on.

If you place accumulator bets with the bookmaker of your choice, then let us know the total odds.

That's basically it! All you have to do is remember to check the blog every week, and I'll always try and send reminders via facebook, twitter or text to those I can contact.

I do a bit of basic stattery each week and then a league table is produced, showing giving the best and worst average predictors. To qualify for the leaderboard, you have to play >2/3 of Matchdays; this is to prevent someone scoring a 9 on their first week and then not playing again to protect their average. At the end of the season, the winner gets their name added to the soon-to-be world famous Impossibilitee Trophy, unveiled for the first time, below!

Ooooh shiny!

This year, there is also a financial element for those who wish to get involved in a bit of serious competition. It will cost you £10 to play, with cash prizes for the top 3 players. You'll all still be in the same leaderboard, but have an asterisk next to your name (ie RD*).

The more people who play, the bigger the prize pot and therefore the more money given out as prizes, like the lottery. In the FA Cup game last year, we looked at 70% for the Winner, 20% for the runner up and 10% for 3rd place, and chances are it'll be something similar this year.

To enter, please either contact me directly (ccdaniels65@gmail.com, @ccdaniels65) and we can discuss what's the best method for you or pay through Paypal  with the gmail address above.

As I appreciate there are plenty of people on holiday, I'll accept new paying entrants until the end of September. As it's a seasonal average, there will be no handicapping. To clarify, this is totally optional - you are welcome to play and not pay if you'd prefer, it's just to increase the competition between those who are that way inclined.

We also have a few ideas under the hat, and a couple more up the sleeve here at Chateau Impossibilitee. There's even one idea hiding in a very embarrassing place, but that's enough of that. What we do want to do is expand in a direction that's going to retain the sense of community and fun that's here so from time to time, there'll be a poll where we canvass opinion or try and get some information to think about future direction. The first such poll is on the right, and if you'd be kind enough to quickly fill it in (you can select multiple options) that'd be awesome!

Any questions, please get in touch or leave a comment below.

Right, enough housekeeping, to the opening fixtures!

Liverpool vs Stoke - DRAW
Arsenal vs Aston Villa - ARSENAL
Norwich vs Everton - DRAW
Sunderland vs Fulham - SUNDERLAND
WBA vs Southampton - WBA
West Ham vs Cardiff - WEST HAM
Swansea vs Man Utd - DRAW
Crystal Palace vs Spurs - SPURS
Chelsea vs Hull - CHELSEA
Man City vs Newcastle - MAN CITY

Total odds: 2063/1 (Paddypower)

So that's that.

Good luck guys, hoping loads of you sign up to the paying game, and that you all bring a few mates, colleagues, family members along to create a bit of local competition too! Wherever you'll be watching from this weekend, hope results go your team's way (unless they conflict with my team, in which case I hope you lose 6-0). Have a great weekend!

Season 3: Starting to feel like part of the furniture

Welcome back one and all, seasoned predictors, new chancers and those who have promised me that this year is the year they get involved!

So that whole "check back next week" thing never really happened. I'm sorry about that - I raised your hopes unacceptably and will never forgive myself. Essentially, it's been rather a busy summer for me professionally and personally (though not footballistically, which is very kind of Arsene Wenger. I'm sure that's why we've been so tumbleweedy in the transfer market), and I just haven't really had the time to pull the graphs together. This does mean that I have a reason to blog during the international weekends though! So hurrah for my chaotic summer!

What else is new?

Well, this season, I'll be adding the predictions of the statistical model the Fink Tank from the Times, and hoping to prove that the mathematical, analytical approach defeats the pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey stylings of Mark Lawrenson et al.

I've also gone and done what I've been promising to do for about 18 months and invested in a solid silver trophy for the victor. Even got the previous winners engraved on it and all - oooooooh. Obviously, logistically, it's more difficult to share the trophy round future winners, but I'll have a think about that one. Pictures of the sexiest silverware in soccer on next week's blog to get the juices flowing ahead of the first set of predictions for the new season.

The final change to this year's competition is a follow up to the success of the FA Cup game from last year. An OPTIONAL £10 entry fee can be paid for this year's Premier League competition, with cash prizes for the highest scoring players at the end of the season. Obviously, the amount of prize money will depend on how many players pay as with the FA Cup game - but going with the same numbers, that could be roughly £100 to the winner!

It is entirely up to you whether to pay or not - you are welcome to submit your predictions as before and you'll still be eligible for the main trophy and leaderboards as before - consider this a sidepot in poker - just a separate game, with only those who pay able to win the money.

As always, spread the word - it'd be great to average 30-40 people a week this season! I'm sure you all have at least 1 mate who thinks they know all about football. Tell them to put their money/reputation where their mouth is and compete against the pros and the rest of us!

Week 1 predictions will be up after the Community Shield this weekend, and if you want to participate in the money game this year, let me know via any source, including the comments below and we'll sort out a transfer, either via paypal or a bank transfer.

Excitement is building folks - little over a week until the President throws that ceremonial first pitch!