S15 Wrap-Up: After Review

 Another season comes to a close.

I'm genuinely baffled as to how we've got 15 years in. Back when I started, Arsenal hadn't won the premier league for 6 years and now it's been...

Yes, friends, that's right. Whilst this isn't a club specific blog, it very much will have that flavour today. you're going to ask "where's the detailed analysis of Matchday 36?" and I have decided, after review, that I don't have a clue what happened and so can't talk about it. Partly due to me being nocturnal for most of the month of May and partly due to the multiple near death experiences this title race has caused.

Fine, you ask. At least give us Matchday 37 goss. And I will. I cheered Kai Havertz and booed Kyle Walker. I then pretended there was no football on, VERY SUCCESSFULLY. I definitely didn't keep checking my phone to make sure my smartwatch wasn't missing anything. And then when it all got too much and I switched on Sky Sports and watched David Brooks miss two great chances and Haaland score and then Savinho went down the left and I just regretted all the life choices until the whistle apparently went (I heard NOTHING over the sound of blood rushing in my temples) and then I rejoiced in all the life choices I have made/had made for me by Big Steve. So, yes, if you'd like a sober analysis of that matchday, you'll be sorely lacking as I don't even know if any other teams played.

FINE. Then give us the Matchday 38 deep dive we all desire. I shall not. Because again, I didn't really care. Sort of wanted Arsenal to win for the vibes. Obviously wanted the relegation battle to go the way of banter but had no real hope it would. So I just existed for a bit, then waited for ages, then watched a trophy lift that gave me all the feels and off to Islington I went. Where I, a middle aged man - nay a a pillar of society, signing passport applications and stuff - was kettled and assaulted by very oversealous police officers. Which slightly dejammed my donut, until I remembered it had been 22 years and then I got out the big squeezy bottle of jam and refilled the donut and then finished off the bottle of jam, straight down the gullet like a sweet-toothed pelican.

Wonderful stuff. I've done about 0 productive things since then, so congrats on getting a blog at all. NLF, I love you all. 

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Let's get statty:

Matchday 36

This week, 21 people played
Most popular predicted results: Brighton & Man City WINS (21/21)
Most disputed predicted result: Nott(s) Forest vs Newcastle (5-7-9 split)

Highest odds: Geoffrey Skolnick (4,449/1)
Lowest odds: Feneley (1,163/1)
Average odds: 2,985/1

Best predictors: Geoffrey Skolnick & Chris Sutton (7/10)
Worst predictors: EuorClubIndex, Opta & Massey rating (3/10 - one for the models eh?)
Average score: 4.81/10

Best predicted results: Brighton & Man City WINS (21/21)
Worst predicted results: Liverpool vs Chelsea & Sunderland vs Man Utd DRAWS (2/21 - AFM was a VAR review away from being the only one to go West Ham win...)

Matchday 37

This week, 18 people played
Most popular predicted results: Man Utd, Arsenal & Man City WINS (18/18)
Most disputed predicted results: Aston Villa vs Liverpool, Leeds vs Brighton & Newcastle vs West Ham (3-7-8 x2 and 8-7-3 x1)

Highest odds: Josh Daniels (10,067/1)
Lowest odds: AFM (851/1)
Average odds: 3,197/1

Best predictors: Geoffrey Skolnick & Hannah Daniels (6/10)
Worst predictors: Joe Abbot, David Brickman & Chris Sutton (2/10)
Average score: 3.72/10

Best predicted results: Man Utd & Arsenal WINS (18/18)
Worst predicted result: Sunderland WIN &, er.....Bournemouth vs Man City DRAW (0/18)

Matchday 38

This week, 20 people played
Most popular predicted result: Arsenal & Man City WINS (18/20)
Most disputed predicted result: Fulham vs Newcastle & Brighton vs Man Utd (8-5-7 & 7-5-8 split)

Highest odds: Geofrey Skolnick (17,827/1)
Lowest odds: Feneley (1,374/1)
Average odds: 9,010/1

Best predictor: Josh Daniels (9/10 - Spurs ruined it. Obvs)
Worst predictors: Chris Sutton, EuroClubIndex, Steven Daniels (2/10)
Average score: 3.9/10

Best predicted result: Arsenal WIN (18/20)
Worst predicted result: Aston Villa WIN (0/20)

Everyone's scores:

Leaderboard (>2/3; 26/38)

Congrats Eli Daniels! A second title in 2 years! Give me me back and I'll get it engraved....

Human prize winners are then Joe Abbott & David Brickman. Cash coming your way too!

Non-Leaderboard qualifying players

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That wraps another season. I'm beat.
Having a lovely World Cup off and then will see you all in August for Season 16...

S13M38: It Ends Here

So here we go. 10 matches, one day. The title on the line. Maybe some EL movement. Realistically, no relegation drama. So it's this:

Can West Ham take points off Man City?
No: Man City win the league
Yes: Can Arsenal beat Everton - if they do, they're champions.

Let me take you back to another May fixture between Arsenal & Everton in North London. May 1998. My friend Adam's sister, Gemma was having a birthday party. He didn't want to go, they had SkySports and we didn't, so I went to Adam's house and watched the game in his parents' bedroom with Adam and his grandfather. Adam is a Spurs fan. Adam would still rather sit through the glee of a Gooner winning the league for the first time in their conscious life than join the primary school squeals going on downstairs. 

That, my friends, is proper Norf Landan. Not this nonsense this week about throwing it vs Man City. 

Anyway, Slavan Bilic scored an early OG, Overmars got 2 classic Overmars goals and it was party time. But oh boy, did the party get started. Late on, Don Hutchison tried to stumble his way down the right wing like a drunkard, tackled by David Platt on halfway. The ball broke for Steve Bould who, as he brought the ball under control and checked inside was nearly run over by a marauding Tony Adams, building up a head of steam as he sprinted forwards from the back line - like a rugby fullback chasing a kick. Bouldy spots the run and delicately chips a ball over the Everton midfield and defence. Michael Ball, stunned, pays tribute with a hopeful appeal for offside, whilst his defensive colleagues chase backwards. Reviewing the film, Adams, incredibly, checks his run momentarily to stay onside. Just a half-step stutter, but it saves the moment. The bounce is slightly awkward, coming across him with backspin and he contorts his spine to chest the ball down with the lef tside of his chest. The ball straightens and the extremely right footed Adams absolutely thumps a left foot half volley across the keeper into the far corner from 16 yards, pure as you like. He takes 2 steps to gain his balance then slows to a walk, catching his breath, eyes closed, arms outstretched.

Martin Tyler's commentary forever baked into my brain:
"It's Tony Adams, would you believe it? That sums it all up"

Why do I mention this? No real reason - I just love this memory, and I'd rather talk about this than Son missing a sitter.

Anyway, I'll be hoping for a last minute Mavropanos winner in similar vein. 

S13M17: Top of the Tree

Festive period fixtures - officially started now? Weird kick off times, unusual days and an additionally coded fixture calculator to take into account travel & policing requests. Magical.

Congestion causes rotation, fatigue and injuries - so we often get some weird results this time of year. Like pretty (below) average beating Liverpool 1-0 on moral victories, until the ubiquitous PGMOL manacle was clamped to their collective ankle. 

Similarly - home banker for Brighton turned into dropped points against Burnley and Man Utd - well I'm not sure they have bankers, but being morally beaten 4-0 at home to Bournemouth is bad, even for them. Ten Had forever.

Sheffield United also won. What on earth went on last weekend? A rupture in some wormhole? Some football happened in the Midlands which nobody watched, Everton showed the power of an us against them mentality, winning for the 2nd time in a week against good expensively assembled opposition to vacate the relegation zone. With their 10 points back, they'd be 10th.

Fulham continue to be the Pride of West London, Luton did a Palace against Man City - it's the hope that kills you before Spurs ended their streak of turning leads into losses, thumping a Newcastle side that look to have lost their legs. Or their heads. #geopoliticaljoke.

I'd not planned to discuss referees, VAR or the PGMOL because I'm so so so bored of it, but I will mention the FA and the judgement yesterday against Mikel Arteta, where he was effectively found innocent or whatever the phrase is.

Well - not the FA. The Arsenal legal team who attempted in their submission to mitigate his words by saying English isn't his first language and Disgrace and Desgracia have different connotations in English/Spanish.

Mikel takes the stand and goes "yeah, nah, I knew that, I meant disgrace". Brilliant stuff. Who'd be a lawyer*....

*Me probably. Suits looked fun.

S13M13: We go again

Post-Interlull blogs are always a bit meh, but I have just remembered the Chelsea vs Man City game. What a lot of lunacy that was. Wonderful stuff. Poch's Chelsea....the new Keegan's Newcastle?

Also, this week - Everton - first PL club to be deducted points for being financial felons. Some squeaky bottoms in Abu Dhabi and wherever Boehly calls home. America. let's just say America. 

It's all pretty clear cut to me. Any team without a cannon on their badge to be deducted 100 points. Any team without 2 As in their name to be deducted another 100 points. Any team whose manager doesn't meet the highest estandards of coiffage loses yet another 100 points. 500 if your a bald Dutchman. 

Finally, laugh of the week: A video of William Saliba being shown Arsenal players of days gone by. Pic of Philippe Senderos. Asked to identify, he says "the Everton manager". Wonderful stuff.

Spot the difference....

S12: Almost Perfect

I have been fortunate to attend a lot of football matches in my life, including a great many on the last day of the season. It's up there with me as a special football match - I seemingly start every season with a wistful paragraph about summer days, short sleeve shirts and sunglasses and the last game of the season is the other side of this emotional coin - not necessarily filled with hope and optimism for what will transpire, but reflection on what has passed.

It's always a lovely day weather-wise, like the FA Cup final. I love the 10 games simultaneously. Whether there's something riding on it or not, it's always a highlight for me - helped admittedly by the ridiculous record Arsenal have in these games (17W, 2D 1L in the last 20 years....). This was also my son's first (mens') game which holds special emotional weight for me too. 

Would it have been better if something else had happened? Sure. Would it have been as fun? Probably not. That's the flip-side of massive highs - massive lows if the highs don't arrive. So maybe, from a fun perspective, it's better that way...

Everything else sort of unfolded as expected. Everton won with a screamer to stay up, and Leeds very much did not but, as Villa did, Spurs's points were in vain. Unless I suppose you count them staying in 8th rather than dropping below Brentford into 9th. Congrats all round.

But you don't want to hear about all this. You want to find out who won and stuff. So without further ado, let's get statty

S11M4: Time for an Undershirt

 I've previously written about the glory of a sunny August afternoon setting the scene for the return of football after a summer break. The warm glow setting the scene for a party atmosphere both on & off the pitch. Someone should invent a term for that sort of thing that you'll learn for GCSE English Literature and then never use again in real life, except to point out that you still remember a pretty pointless term from your English Literature GCSE which is now a scary amount of years ago.

Also 9/11 was 20 years ago. What the actual **** happened there? (for our younger players, ask your parents). I remember the day like it was yesterday. Arsenal were playing Real Mallorca in the Champions league and it was on ON DIGITAL (younger players, ask your parents) which we didn't have so I went to my friend Ben's house to watch it. I got there a bit early and we were just watching the now infamous clip of the planes hitting the tower over and over - no information was really coming out then, and even at that age, I couldn't believe that the game would go ahead. It was sort of a bit meaningless.

Oh, UEFA. How I should have realised then....

Arsenal lost 1-0 if you want to know, Ashley Cole was sent off. Battered them 3-1 in the return though with one of my favourite goals - Bergkamp heading in a bullet from a Gio van Bronckhorst cross, before Henry sealed progression in injury time with a classic Henry goal and a classic Henry celebration.

Ah nostalgia. I digress. Younger players - by season 31 of Impossibilitee, you too will do this. Older players - this must be how you feel about *checks notes* Stanley Matthews.

International break to qualify for a corrupt World Cup (oh FIFA....how I should have realised...) and some stuff happened but it's basically a 128 team tournament or something which nobody is not allowed to qualify for so I find it hard to care any more than my usual level of care about international football which is surprisingly little. I've been distracting myself with the cricket (oh) and the tennis, enjoying the meteoric rise of Emma Raducanu who wasn't even born when Arsenal lost 1-0 to Real Mallorca. Madness

Let's get statty:

This week 21 people played
Most popular predicted result: Spurs WIN (20/21)
Most disputed prediction: Brighton vs Everton (9-6-6 split)

Highest odds: Steven Daniels (851/1)
Lowest odds: Aron Kleiman (770/1)
Average odds: 811/1

Best Predictor: David Brickman (7/10
Worst Predictor: Zoe Daniels (1/10)
Average score (4.9/10)

Best predicted result: Spurs WIN (20/21)

Worst predicted results: Burnley vs Leeds, West Ham vs Crystal Palace & Aston Villa vs Brentford DRAWS (2/21)

Everyone's stats:

The leaderboard for the first time this season. Reminder that to qualify you have to play >2/3 of available weeks, which in this case is all 3 weeks so far)

Early days yet but David Brickman wants to be the first person to retain the trophy. I on the other hand love the Arsenal so much that I want to be just like them. Volatility will reign for several weeks yet so....yeah.

To this week's predictions:

Good luck all!

S6M32: Doors will be doors

Gonna rattle through any nonsense chat today, as we have loads of stats to plough through. Suffice it to say that Chelsea had a "blip" and will still be pretty satisfied with the look of things. Spurs are, for a second season in a row, the closest challengers...although still somewhat off the pace. They look less likely to Spurs it up again. Everyone else is rubbish, except Leicester who are now world beaters again. Sunderland & Middlesborough are the pits though (pun very much intended) and are doing their bit to avoid any North-East derbies next season.

That'll do for now, let's get statty:

Apologies in advance for any obvious errors. Please let me know and I'll update the database. There's at least 1 FT score still outstanding...

Matchday 29
Total people played: 21
Most popular prediction: Chelsea WIN (21/21)
Most disputed prediction: West Ham vs Leicester (8-6-7 split)

Highest odds:  Feneley 3777/1
Lowest odds: Doron Salomon (2164/1)
Average odds: 2897/1

Best predictor: Joe Abbott (8/10)
Worst predictor: Aron Kleiman (4/10)
Average score: 5.86/10

Best predicted result: Chelsea WIN (21/21)
Worst predicted result: WBA WIN (0/21)

Everyone's scores will be at the end of all the results

Matchday 30
Total people played: 19
Most popular prediction: Chelsea & Swansea WINS (19/19)
Most disputed prediction: Hull vs West Ham (8-5-6 split)

Highest odds: Josh Daniels 1396/1
Lowest odds: Doron 1232/1
Average odds: 1314/1

Best predictor: Dagmar (7/10)
Worst predictor: Matt Abbott & David Brickman (1/10)
Average score: 4.05/10

Best predicted result: Leicester WIN (18/19)
Worst predicted result: Crystal Palace WIN & Swansea vs Middlesborough DRAW (0/19)

Matchday 31
Total people played: 22
Most popular prediction: Leicester & Liverpool WINS (22/22)
Most disputed prediction: Watford vs WBA (7-8-7 split)

Highest odds: AFM 1457/1
Lowest odds: Feneley 707/1
Average odds: 1011/1

Best predictor: ECI (8/10)
Worst predictor: Nick Jones & David Silverman (4/10)
Average score: 5.82/10

Best predicted result: Leicester WIN (22/22)
Worst predicted result: Liverpool vs Bournemouth DRAW (0/22)

Everyone's results:

Leaderboard (>2/3; 21/31*)

To this week's predos:

Spurs vs Watford - SPURS

Man City vs Hull - MAN CITY

Middlesborough vs Burnley - BURNLEY

Stoke vs Liverpool - LIVERPOOL

WBA vs Southampton - WBA

West Ham vs Swansea - DRAW

Bournemouth vs Chelsea - CHELSEA

Sunderland vs Man Utd - MAN UTD

Everton vs Leicester - EVERTON

Crystal Palace vs Arsenal - ARSENAL

Good luck guys

S6M30: Normal service will be delayed

Like after a tube strike, things are slow to return to normal after an international break.

Unfortunately, circumstance have meant a full post this week won't be possible, which is fortunate because I was only going to rehash the same old nonsense about the video assistance in the France vs Spain game.

So it's predos only I'm afraid.

Matchday 30

Liverpool vs Everton - LIVERPOOL
Burnley vs Spurs - SPURS
Chelsea vs Crystal Palace - CHELSEA
Hull vs West Ham - HULL
Leicester vs Stoke - LEICESTER
Man Utd vs WBA - MAN UTD
Watford vs Sunderland - WATFORD
Southampton vs Bournemouth - SOUTHAMPTON
Swansea vs Middlesborough - SWANSEA
Arsenal vs Man City - DRAW

Matchday 31

Burnley vs Stoke
Leicester vs Sunderland
Watford vs WBA
Man Utd vs Everton
Arsenal vs West Ham
Hull vs Middlesborough
Southampton vs Crystal Palace
Swansea vs Spurs
Chelsea vs Man City
Liverpool vs Bournemouth

S5M36: COYF

So I'm back in Blighty, and just in time too.

Whilst I was somewhere over the Atlantic (big ocean that), Spurs were busy spursing it up at WBA, to leave Leicester in a rounded-the-keeper kinda situation.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, even Spurs fans, surely now wants them to slot it home and not do the following:

I think Leicester can do it with 2 draws too, and I'm also not convinced Spurs will win all their games, so think it may well be done by next week's blog.

Obviously not yet had a chance to catch up on the results & stats, so that'll follow next week.

Quick predictions for this week:

Everton vs Bournemouth - DRAW

Newcastle vs Crystal Palace - NEWCASTLE (FA Cup final lack-of-care for Palace)

Stoke vs Sunderland - DRAW

Watford vs Aston Villa - WATFORD

WBA vs West Ham - WEST HAM

Arsenal vs Norwich - ARSENAL

Swansea vs Liverpool - LIVERPOOL

Man Utd vs Leicester - DRAW

Southampton vs Man City - MAN CITY

Chelsea vs Spurs - DRAW

Good luck guys

S5M7: You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

Let's get to it. I've tried to keep this blog relatively neutral over the years, albeit with the occasional slip up, like a certain Captain, Leader, Legend, best-mates-wife-..... yeah, in Moscow...

However, this is my party and I'll rant if I want you, so...if you'll indulge me (otherwise, skip to the stats bit).

Diego Costa is a bit of a bottom. I've toned that down since Saturday lunchtime. Time's a wodnerful healer. How someone gets through 81 minutes without being called for a foul with his style of play is beyond me? Actually, it's not, but I'll come to that later.

How he doesn't get carded for any of the following offences, I don't know:

• 3rd minute - trips himself up, blames Coquelin, asks the ref for a yellow card. Unsporting conduct right there  - yellow. In fairness, I hate the faux-moralising over this, I find it not different to appealing for a throw/corner that you know isn't yours....but thems the rules.
• 41st minute - 2 hands clawing at Koscielny's face over right shoulder - yellow. Followed up with an intentional swing of his left arm over his left shoulder, connecting with Koscielny's face  - straight red -violent conduct. Followed up by a chest-bump/shove to Koscielny knocking him to the ground. Certainly a yellow, arguably a red too. All of which was unprovoked and amazingly unnoticed.
• 41st minute - Some afters with Gabriel who's come back to stick up for his mate. A load of handbags frankly. The worst bit I saw was Zouma (I think) grabbing Gabriel around the neck, but this seemed to be trying to pull him away, so benefit of the doubt. Punished with a booking for both Gabriel and Costa in the classic ref move of "I haven't actually got a clue what happened here, but stop it". Good from Gabriel in my opinion to come back and get involved. Team spirit etc
• 41st minute - Gabriel and Costa jabbering at each other on the way back to the halfway line. Your mum's a......, no your mum's a..... kind of stuff. Gabriel then flicks a leg in between Costa's legs but does not make contact (thanks ESPN Brazil). I thought on first viewing he'd also poked Costa in the eye, but I was clearly wrong. Costa then turns angel and asks for retribution - arguably unsporting conduct again. 
• 2nd half - stopped making notes on minutes - dive for penalty (yellow) and then a kick out off the ball at Oxlade-Chamberlain - well that's a straight red surely....Mike Dean's already made that clear in this game.

So by my maths - Costa should have had 3 yellows, 2 straight reds and an "Orange" for the chest bump thing. The only thing he was booked for was frankly nonsense. Should Gabriel have been sent off? Sure - he was booked and did something stupid - although they seem to have previous from Spain when Costa elbowed him 2 years ago. The problem comes from terrible refereeing.

Cards on the table. I'm no fan of Mike Dean. As a general rule, I hate refs who flamboyantly brandish cards, and do the whole "come here,...no, come HERE" thing. The one's who love the limelight. There's a blog going round about Mike Dean's record in Arsenal games over the last 5 years too - I'm not sure he's biased per se, however the statistics are interesting in how Arsenal statistically underperform/received fewer penalties and more red cards than the average with other refs, or his average. However, on the grounds of last week, you have to call into question his competency, and that of his team. He fundamentally lost control of the game, and how the officials missed so many offences I don't know. A stronger ref would have separated Costa and Gabriel - their teammates should have too, but Dean is equally culpable. He told Monreal to go away, who was there to translate as Gabriel speaks about 11 words of English. He's overly officious, had a shocker and singlehandedly changed the game. That's not his job, and how he has got away without punishment I don't know.

The subsequent reversal of the bans is of bugger all satisfaction. As Wenger said, it meant playing 10 vs 11 rather than 11 vs 10 for over half a match. I thought we weren't too bad before the red card - not saying we were going to win, but looked pretty comfortable. Against 10, we'd have had a real chance to push on second half. That was taken away. It also pushes the narrative again - Wenger can't beat Mourinho etc. It's frankly nonsense - in the Community Shield, Chelsea went out to win and were outplayed, and didn't look threatening at all before Gabriel's red card. I'd argue that the most recent evidence is that Arsene has worked out (finally) how to play against Mourinho.

The final point is about technology. I can't stand the luddite mentality of those in control of the game. Cricket, rugby, tennis have all embraced technology without it harming there sports, as have the NFL. No one is asking for robot referees, but it's insane that we are so unwilling to try and assist games that have so much riding on them. For example, the excuse that you would have to stop the game is often used - well the game was stopped for 4 minutes on Saturday. More than enough time for a video review of the whole event. When a goal is scored, the game is stopped. It's either a goal, or not, in which case the buzzer watch doesn't go off it it doesn't cross the line. If it does, and it's a tight offside, why not review the video? I'd also give retrospective bans for diving - increasing for each offence and starting with 5 games. So dive, win a penalty, then miss a month of football. Next time you dive, miss 6 games, and so on. Then let's see how easily players fall over. Technology doesn't have to take over the game, but it can help in so many ways. It's also such a different sport at the elite level to Sunday league that that's a nonsense excuse too. Ever seen a player's dad reffing at the top level...

Right, rant over. YOU CAN ALL COME BACK NOW!!!

In other PL news, West Ham should just play all their home games away. Sunderland are dreadful, Watford have now won 2 on the bounce and Leicester should stop giving away 2 goal leads before playing football. I reckon Rodgers will be gone in the next 2 weeks at Liverpool, and Man Utd seem to be starting to rumble again, although by some accounts, Southampton deserved a point.

Let's get statty:

This week, 

31 people played (season high)

Most popular predicted result: Man City WIN (29/31

Most disputed result: Stoke vs Leicester (11-7-12 split)

Highest odds: Me 18872/1 (not entirely sure how)

Lowest odds: Aron Kleiman 4943/1

Average odds: 9625/1

Best predictor: Dinkin 5/10

Worst predictors: Tarek & Will O'D 1/10

Average score: 2.90/10

Best Predicted result: Bournemouth WIN (21/31)

Worst predicted result: Liverpool vs Norwich DRAW & West Ham WIN (0/31)

Swing: Russell Martin's equaliser  - fooled 28 of us

Everybody's results:

HZ's results deserve a star next to them as he only submitted the last 4 matches.

To the leaderboard, for those who've played >2/3 available weeks (5/6)

And finally, to this week's predictions:

Spurs vs Man City - MAN CITY

Leicester vs Arsenal - ARSENAL

Liverpool vs Aston Villa - LIVERPOOL

Man Utd vs Sunderland - MAN UTD

Southampton vs Swansea - SOUTHAMPTON

Stoke vs Bournemouth - STOKE

West Ham vs Norwich - NORWICH

Newcastle vs Chelsea - CHELSEA

Watford vs Crystal Palace - WATFORD

WBA vs Everton - DRAW

Total odds: 1475/1 (PaddyPower)

Good luck guys, and thanks for staying with me through my rage

S4M17: Missed opportunities

I don't generally talk too much about my personal life on this blog, other than in quite vague terms 'cos frankly it's not got much to do with football. But last week, this happened:

Yep - the annual footballers' trip to a local children's ward to spread some festive cheer. I work in Spurs/West Ham territory and so my local unit was visited by a smattering of players from Spurs (& Leyton Orient...but...er....yeah).  I'd been quite looking forward to seeing who turned up and maybe surreptitiously stamping on a few toes, but (obviously) the date was kept a secret. So they pitched up last week - some guy, the other chap, Tash Parker from Dream Team and (in my opinion), one of the most punchable face'd players ever - Eriksen. I was on bloody annual leave (against my will) so missed all the fun (and stamping) - but I love how in this picture, the girl seems to be really unamused at who's come and the crappy signed card thing they've given her.

Anyway - I'm well annoyed and will be frantically trying to get a shift at a different North London hospital in the next week to get some of this:

That's how you make the kids smile...

To football - Southampton's miserable run continued at Burnley, Chelsea got back on their little horse against a useless Hull, whilst Man City looked a tad shaky in a narrow win against a Leicester side now looking rooted at the bottom of the table. WBA took Midlands bragging rights whilst Arsenal did some Toon spanking in the late game. Man Utd won comfortably although de Gea made some cracking saves - Balotelli should have scored at least 1, as should Sterling which may have made it interesting. Spurs did their customary last minute winner for a 2-1 win thing, and Everton were quite average against QPR, which is still enough to win 3-1 against a poor team who really should go down too.

Let's get statty:

Last week, 20 people played

Most popular predicted results: Southampton, Chelsea & Man City WINS (19/20)

Most disputed result: WBA vs Aston Villa (7-8-5 split)

Highest odds: AFM (obvs) 92020/1

Highest odds -excluding AFM: Feneley 17924/1

Highest odds excluding the Feneley family who really need to stop drinking before predicting: Steven Daniels 4876/1

Lowest odds: Sam Ruback (obvs) 543/1  

Highest score: Brad Allix (8/10) - making up for his shameful debut

Lowest score: AFM (3/10)

Average score: 5.75/10

Best predicted results: Chelsea & Man City WINS (19/20)

Worst predicted result: Burnley WIN (0/20)

Everyone's results:

To the leaderboard (>2/3 of weeks, or 11/16)

To this week's predos:

Man City vs Crystal Palace - MAN CITY
Aston Villa vs Man Utd - MAN UTD
Hull vs Swansea - SWANSEA
QPR vs WBA - DRAW
Southampton vs Everton - SOUTHAMPTON
Spurs vs Burnley - SPURS
West Ham vs Leicester - WEST HAM
Newcastle vs Sunderland - NEWCASTLE
Liverpool vs Arsenal - ARSENAL
Stoke vs Chelsea - CHELSEA

Total odds: 877/1 (Paddypower)

Good luck guys - blog to go up Monday night/Tuesday with Boxing Day and 28/29 fixtures

Just stick your laces through it: Thoughts on Arsenal 3-0 Milan and Belated thoughts on the 5pur2 game

I play 5-a-side every week with a bloke called Daniel. Daniel, like the rest of us, pulls up no roots with his footballing ability. It's a pretty low standard game. Where Daniel does excel is in goal - partly because he is roughly the same dimensions as Martin Johnson and partly because he naturally has a feel for the angles and decisions that need to be made in goal.

I've never been a good finisher 1 on 1 - I clearly lack composure and have always been more likely to score from 30 yards than 3 (penalties aside....). Against Daniel, this problem is compounded 'cos I know he's gonna save it no matter what I do. My tendency is therefore to leather the ball as hard as I can in the hope that it flies past him before he can react.

Tends not to work all that often, so I'm not really the person to give advice but...Robin, if you read this blog...why did you try to chip Abbiati? Just smash the ball - if he saves it then fair play, but it's more likely to deflect in.

That'd have been 4-0 and we would have been flying. As it happens, I'm proud of how we played and think we redressed the balance somewhat from one of our worst performances this season in Milan. Ultimately, an offside goal, a slip from Vermaelen and a dodgy pen did for us, although we were so dreadful that 4-0 was quite kind.

Other thoughts on tonight:

• Yet another fantastic atmosphere at the Emirates. After 6 years we've cracked it. Play so shit for so long that all the Jonny Come-Latelies lose interest, sell their tickets to fans who want to go, even to hopeless dead rubber matches and who'll support their team. Great noise throughout, and the stadium was still full at the end. Let's make this the norm please.
• Szczesny made some great saves, and often was right to come off his line, but got very lucky with his crappy clearance that Zlatan hit wide, and I haven't a clue how he saved that shot from Nocerino.
• I called Kos as 1st goalscorer. Unfortunately, I had no money on it.
• Gibbs did well, my love for Sagna is well documented and he was his usual superb self, Kos was brilliant (is there a better defender 1 on 1 in the league?) and Vermaelen looked more like his normal self.
• Song was decent if a little lazy (so Song was Song), Theo was Theo, with the usual poor decision making alongside the flash of brilliance. Gervinho was garbage - he was the only player who was always on his heels competing for loose balls.
• Rosicky's renaissance is remarkable. I said at the beginning of the season that we needed the little Mozart back, and he's starting to get up a head of steam.
• AOC was excellent and very disciplined in an unfamiliar role. His direct running scared the bejesus out of Milan and his corner delivery was excellent for the most part. I thought he was unlucky to be taken off before Walcott, although apparently he was ill before the game.
• RVP didn't have a great game in my opinion - I thought he tried to do too much himself. That said, the pen was superb and he brought another quality save from the keeper in the 1st half.
• The ref was awful. Booking Sagna and someone else for winning the ball, playing on when it was a clear foul, then blowing up when the advantage would have been preferred. Not biassed, just crap.
• Zlatan has a great touch. He's also a utter prick and I hate his ugly face. Poor tonight, excellent in San Siro.
• We know nothing about football - one bloke 2 seats from me said Rosicky can't pick a pass, another 2 seats the other way said Rosicky was having a stormer (which I agreed with). However, he called absolutely every offside wrong. Literally. Every single one. The bloke behind me also had an erroneous opinion that was amusing, but I've forgotten what it was. Great story I know.

All in all, a proud night for Gooners. It's just a shame we were so poor in the 1st leg. Let's keep this momentum going and win the 11 cup finals we have left this season.

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I wanted to post something about the NLD last week but was crazy busy. It's all been said, but here's my take on it anyway.

• It's been said over and over that we are at our best with a high-energy game, pressing high up the pitch. We did this last season to beat Chelsea, Barcelona and Man United and did it again to destroy Spurs. It's so difficult to live with a team that does it - this should be how we try to play every week. It worked in the 1st half vs Milan too.
• To go through the goals - their's were both as a result of poor communication between Vermaelen and Gibbs. Saha lucky with the finish, but he should never have had that much space.
• The penalty - DIVE DIVE DIVE DIVE. After watching it several times, there is no contact between Gibbs or Szczesny with Bale. If there is one thing that I learnt from Rise of Planet of the Apes, it's not to ever trust monkeys and that simian thing is no different. He has a reputation and it's totally deserved. Whilst I'm ranting about the offspring of Jonny Bravo and King Louis from the Jungle Book, he really has too high an opinion of himself. Modelling his game on Ronaldo? Do me a favour, son. You are effective at running fast and powerfully in a straight line and whipping in a ball, or shooting across goal. It's effective and has won you plaudits from the lobotomised gentlemen from the Wapping area. You don't fool me - you're a one trick pony and will fade like that bloke from Blazing Squad that used to be on the right wing for Spurs
• Why didn't MOTD mention that there was even any controversy over the award? Call a spade a spade please.
• We were bloody great and went close through RVP and Rosicky before we scored. I thought Gibbs should have had a pen in front of me as well. RVP was unlucky to hit the post but Bac bulldozed his way to meet a lovely floated ball from Arteta. As Peter Hill-Wood no doubt said, "Never in doubt".
• The crowd hardly dropped at all, and it was a question of when, not if we scored again. RVP's goal showed his great technique and will be played over and over again in slo-mo on Sky in years to come.
• 'arry utterly bottled it with his changes at half-time. It was 2-2. Van der Vaart I just don't get - he's a great player but is bone idle and can't be carried when you're scrapping for every ball (see Arshavin, Andrei). Tightening up the midfield with Sandro would have been ok if Sandro had then played in midfield. I'm not sure what he did, but Spurs were very poor second half.
• Rosicky deserved his goal and showed how effective arriving from deep can me. Hint hint Aaron Ramsey.
• Theo was utterly bollocks first half and deserved all the criticism he got. It's not 'cos we hate him, it's 'cos we want him to succeed, and credit to him, he picked his game up second half. He had one sighter and then scored 2 lovely instinctive finishes - he's always at his best in my opinion when he doesn't think. Ironic for such a lovely young man. He's a total confidence player and hopefully that game will boost his. Great weapon to have in the squad in form - especially in "big games" where he will get space. Useless against 2 packed banks away at WBA (for example).
• Mike Dean is an egotist. Some of his decisions beggar belief. The Koscielny booking being one of them...he was shoved by Spurs player into other Spurs player....mental.
• The argument that diving is no worse than claiming a FK, throw, corner etc that you know is not yours as you're trying to con the ref is one I'd agree with. I'd make them all bookable offences and ENFORCE THE SODDING LAW. Once players were picking up bans for stupid reasons, they'd quickly learn to play in the Corinthian fashion. I'd enable retrospective discipline too. Strangely, imaginary card waving doesn't bother me - it's not cricket but I don't think it influences the ref in the same way.
• Seeing the Spurs end that empty with 15 to go was lovely.
• Yossi and Rosicky were immense. Song owned Parker and Modric. We won that game in midfield.
• I'm over Adebayor. 1 bloke near me sung about Angola. No one else joined in.
• BAE has great hair
• Parker was always going to get sent off
• Mikky Arteta does a lovely star jumpy thing whenever he wants the ball. Watch it next time - it's hilarious.

I was gonna do this properly with pictures etc but its gone midnight, I got 3.5 hours sleep last night, had a new cousin born and was in surgery from 8am until football o clock today so I just can't be bothered.

Thanks for reading - Congrats if you got to the end. Love to hear everyone else's thoughts.

Arsenal 1 - 2 Man Utd: Well that was predictable, wasn't it...

Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error - Cicero

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Einstein

Before I start, I'd like to say that I've literally just got back from the game and seen no replays of anything. These are my views based on my seat in the Clock End Upper.

• The team selection: probably the best we could have hoped for. I was glad to see Chamberlain given a go from the start, espcecially since Utd have a left back in terrible form and a centre back/half at right back.
• We started at a decent pace, but it was clear from the off that it was not going to be Walcott's day. I don't know how many times he passed the ball directly to a ball boy, and his decision making was typically hopeless.
• The move where Jones got injured, Walcott got to the byeline and then drilled the ball along the goal mouth, where there were no red shirts. If he'd looked up and seen the space around the penalty spot, he'd have know that was the place to lay the ball off for the onrushing Ramsey to meet it. Even if no-one had met it, it would have been an intelligent use of the ball - and a failing of the midfield to support the attack.
• The midfield were second to every ball and were lacking any fluent passing. Ramsey has looked knackered for months and Wilshere can't come back fast enough. Song only plays well when under pressure, which (with Frimpong on loan and Coquelin injured) he isn't and Rosicky was decent enough but was typically parsimonious with the ball. I'd like to see more of the Little Mozart's creativity as a senior player in the squad.
• Whoever thought it'd be a great idea to lump the ball up to RVP as an out ball needs a slap. He did the best he could, with some fantastic control, but he'll always be better as a pivot, with the ball to his feet, finding midfield runners than as a typical no.9. When he goes in the summer, I'm sure we can get CarroLOL for cheap if that's how we want to play.
• Vermaelen was ok, but will be disappointed to have let Valencia get a run on him for the goal.
• Djourou is not a full back. This is clear. He's had enough games there to learn the basics, but he costs us time and time again with his failure to learn positional plays. If he realised Nani was doing him for pace, then he needs to stay back more. He doesn't block off the crosses and got wrong side countless times in the first half.
• That said, in mitigation, defending is a team activity and he should have his hand held by Mertesacker/Koscielny and recieve more protection from the wings - neither Walcott nor Chamberlain particularly helped out.
• I rate Yennaris over Miquel. He's got tenacity and a cool head. Gotta be in the side until Sagna/Santos get back for me.
• Szczesny had a good game - held everything and no real chance with either goal.
• Great start to the second half - lots of high tempo play, pressuring Utd from the front and forcing mistakes like the one from Evans....I'd have put my sister's future tuition fees on RVP burying that chance. Unbelievable.
• Our goal was fantastic - from the tackle by Koscielny to the long ball by Rosicky, Chamberlain's reverse pass and the finish from RVP. Someone in front (a Utd fan) blamed Rafael for being out of position - I think that's unfair. He'd got forward and the ball was transferred to the other end of the pitch and such pace that he had no chance to get back. Someone should have covered for him.
• Wenger needs to admit that he got it very wrong with the substitution. Chamberlain was our best player (and maybe on the pitch) and taking him off over Walcott shows there is a hierarchy in my eyes. It also killed any momentum we had, as did Rooney's feigning injury.
• Why Arshavin? He hasn't played well since 2010 in my mind. Benayoun offers as much going forward and works harder defensively....he wouldn't have let Valencia dance about like that. I think it's time to accept that the little Russian hasn't worked out and say thanks for that night at Anfield, best for the future.
• Park did very little, but that's still more than Chamakh.
• The crowd were subdued - both the Arsenal (surprise) and the Utd sections. I think it's the realisation that we're both at our weakest point for a generation.

On Utd:

• I thought they were reasonably comfortable without ever being good. The defence weren't really tested, and Carrick and Giggs will never have had as easy an afternoon against Arsenal as they did today. Nani owned Djourou first half and Valencia was solid. Welbeck is talented
• Rooney is a vile c*nt and goes above John Terry in the c*ntladder for me. I don't say that lightly. He is a hypocritical, whining thug with a inflated sense of self-worth. Little bits of sick actually come into my mouth thinking of the influence he might have at England training camps over Wilshere, Walcott etc. Odious prick, massive underachiever.
• Smalling looks class, Rafael is useless. When he got booked for fouling Walcott first half, I knew we'd get joy down his side. He's positionally suspect, rash in the challenge and lazy. Fergie was right to haul him off, and I can't imagine he's gonna have a long career at Old Trafford.

• From where I was, looked like Dean was up to his usual tricks. Booking Ramsey for a nothing tackle, RVP for complaining about the blatant timewasting by Evra. Do me a favour. And I think it was the Koscielny tackle that won nothing but ball - total joke.

I said before the game that whoever was less shit would win. I thought Utd probably shaded it, due to looking threatening when they went forward as opposed to our usual game of "after you - no, please, after you - no, really I inisist....". That said, if we'd rescued a draw, I'm not sure Utd fans could have complained too much.

Basically, we're hoping Chelsea implode worse than we do to crawl over the line into 4th. What a fantastic position to be in. All totally avoidable with decent squad planning. Get rid of the dross (Arshavin, Almunia, Denilson, Diaby, Squillaci etc), tell Djourou, Bendtner and Walcott that they if they improve, they'll get games (and a payrise Walcott, you greedy git. Try improving before you want £85k pw...) and if they don't want to wait, then they can leave.

Fill the holes with signings like Sagna, Arteta, Vermaelen - ie £7-10m players who don't have to be superstar names, but are solid professionals, with a mental strength and a determination not to piss away their 20 year dream career on a mock-Tudor home and an identikit WAG. I know that sounds a bit Football Managery, but I can't imagine that there aren't players out there who would improve the squad and not cost the earth - we found several this summer. That allows Ramsey, Wilshere, Chamberlain, Walcott etc to develop at the right pace and not be given too much responsibility too soon.

2012 is the crux - will the next 5 years see us fulfil the potential of the Emirates project and kick on, competing for trophies with the financially doped City, Chelsea etc? Or will we drop off, and become a Liverpool, living off memories and looking back to the glory days of yore.

I'll still be coming to the Emirates, still be singing and swearing and supporting my team. I just hope that the stadium is full of happy fans, and not half-full of despondent cynics.

Rant over, time for dinner

Belated thoughts on Arsenal's mauling oop north & Transfers

Scientific studies have shown that holidays can protect your heart by as much as 30%. Never has this been truer than last week. As it happens, I was on my way to a lovely week in the Balkans on Sunday and therefore missed sitting through what I already knew would be a horrible 90 minutes.

I didn't quite predict how horrible.

It was inevitable that we'd lose (even though I predicted a draw....never bet against your own team!) and even more inevitable when Vermaelen & Sagna were ruled out. We took a League cup side to Manchester and the sharks smelled blood.

Didn't watch the game, so purely on the basis of very limited highlights from 101GG, I thought that both pens were stonewall, Man Utd took their chances very well, Jenkinson is nowhere near ready for 1st team football (been saying that since pre season) and interestingly, Szczesny seems to have a weakness diving to his left - his penalty save and his save this week vs Germany were flinging himself to the right, but several of the Utd goals were to his left and it'll be interesting to see how that develops in the future.

I missed Transfer deadline day too - I left thinking we'd sign Cahill last minute and probably no-one else (Park Chu Young deal was before I went) - so was pretty happy to see that we'd signed Mertesacker and Santos (who I know bugger all about) and was really hoping we'd get Arteta and Benayoun when I went out for the night.

Might have mislead the missus the next morning when we went to get breakfast and sneaked off to check if we'd signed them....hopefully, she won't read this!

**UPDATE** Apparently she does read this. She did find it funny however!

As far as I'm concerned, the major surgery that we needed was performed. I think we have a decent GK and solid enough back up in Fabianski. Defensive unit looks more solid, although I still think coaching and mentality needs to be worked on. Midfield is weaker than last year, but Arteta and Benayoun are solid signings who should fit right in (I don't understand the grumblings over Benayoun....I've thought he was class at West Ham and Liverpool - tore us up in the 4-4) and my only real concerns are what happens WHEN RVP gets injured...but I'm willing to give Chu (what's he being called?) the benefit of the doubt.

All in all - a solid squad that won't win the league but can certainly challenge and hopefully hold off Liverpool and Spurs and make Champions League football again this year. Still doesn't change the fact that the business should have been done months ago, but hey ho...

Finally, I woke up this week thinking of a song for Yossi Benayoun. It's not big or clever, but it's catchy....

Basically...."Yossi Benayoun" repeated over and over again to the tune of "Viva John Terry"...

Sing it in the shower and sing it loud and proud on Saturday!

I'll be back in a bit with the predictions results and my new predictions for this weekend!

Arsenal Season Review 2010/11

I wrote this a while back when our season mathematically finished, but thought I'd repost it here at the real season end. What a farce the last month has been eh?!?!?

_______________________________

I decided to write a follow up to my previous note, from the start of the season. That was one filled with optimism - showing why I thought we could challenge and push on from previous seasons. I wrote:

I believe that this squad will be there or thereabouts come the end of the season. I believe we have to play every trophy (including the Carling cup) to win it, in order to create the winning mentality and momentum needed to be Champions. On our day we can beat any team in the world. It's not about ability, it's about consistency.

I don't think I was too far off with that. We, mathmatically, lasted until Matchday 36 (Stoke away) before being out the title race, although in reality, it was probably matchday 34 (Bolton away) that saw us off. In the CL, we came up against the best team in Europe and were beating them with an unusually defensive display from Arsenal. It's worth pointing out, that for all Barca's dominance of stats, they were losing in the one that actually mattered (ironic, that) until RVP was sent off farcically, which ended any ability we had to release pressure. We took the Carling Cup more seriously than we have done for years and reached the final relatively comfortably. OK, we froze on the day, but lets remember that even playing poorly, it required an inspired Foster performance in goal, and a colossal cock up at our end for B'ham to win the trophy. The FA Cup was a strange campaign - we struggled against 3 lower league opposition, but won each tie eventually, before outplaying Man U at Old Trafford - but losing (again due to a phenomenal perfomance from an opposition GK...tactical masterclass by Fergie, my foot).

On paper then, not too disappointing. So why do I, and seemingly every other Gooner out there feel cheated? None of us genuinely believed that we'd win a quadruple. I think most would have settled for a cup win and a strong showing in the league, which we were pretty close too. I think it comes down to the final line of that excerpt above: consistency not ability.

This season, we beat Man U, Chelsea & Barca at home. We stuffed the scum 4-1 at their place and ended Citeh's undefeated home record emphatically 3-0. We played some phenomenal attacking, free-flowing football, with Walcott & Nasri in particular having their best spells at the club.

However, we also showed the same proclivity to self-destruct that we have had for too many years now. We lost at home to 2 promoted teams in WBA & Newcastle. We threw away a 2-0 half-time lead against the scum to lose at home against them for the first time in my conscious football memory (17 years in reality, but football didn't really exist for me pre-1994 world cup).

5th February, 2011 was the day our season fell apart. It started brilliantly - an incredible display of the kind of football that no team in the world, and I include Barca in that could do, or cope with. 4-0 at half time v Newcastle. 3-0 after10 minutes - it was like having the old Invincibles team back. The speed at which we attacked, the clinical finishing, the strength in all departments. We were unstoppable, and were flying. We were going to make history.

Correction: we DID make history. Just not the sort of history anyone wants to make. The first team to throw away a 4 goal lead. The psychological damage from that game, still hasn't been lifted from the squad in my opinion. From there, we went on to lose the CC final. We went on a run of draws that knocked us further and further behind in the title race. Wenger became an increasingly frustrated figure, the fans' patience ran out, especially with the news that ticket prices would be going up significantly. Every mini-revival, every event that seemed to be a rally proved to be a false dawn. 3-1 at Spurs, again being pegged back, beating Man U, losing to Stoke & Bolton. The season

slowly petered out...Same old Arsenal, always disappointing.

Yes, we got some crappy luck again. Refereeing decisions v Sunderland, Newcastle & Barca spring to mind immediately....worth 4 more points and a decent chance at progress in the CL (or at least extra-time). Vermaelen being out for basically the whole season. Yes, Man U yet again ended up positive on the dodgy-decisions balance sheet. But so what, even with all of that, we had a great opportunity to challenge convincingly in the league, and fell away. We had the cup final to end the trophy drought and froze. We made the rod for our backs, the psychological barrier that we seem unable to break through. Wenger seems more frustrated and anatagonistic than ever, and whilst I am not calling for his head...he will probably leave after next seaosn when his contract is up unless something drastically changes. As I said, "it's not about ability, it's about consistency" and we haven't shown anything like the consistency required to win a title, in the weakest race for years.

That was quite long enough - so if you decide to disappear, I totally understand. However, I'm going to do a brief individual review for each player below, along with who I'd like to see leave the squad. I'm not naming replacements, 'cos this isn't FM and I'm not a scout.

GK:

ALMUNIA: "right to be dropped, but not written off...given another chance" - Wrong on my part. Permanent hangdog expression doesn't transmit confidence to defence. Always been a 6/10 keeper...won't make too many howlers but won't have too many blinders either. Once the howlers started to arrive, time to get shot. SELL

FABIANSKI: "total liability at present, he has no reason to be anywhere near the first team at Arsenal at present and should be sent off on loan" Well, I'll hold my hands up here and say I was wrong again. Got his confidence back and seemed to be a decent, solid keeper. Unlucky with injury, but I'm happy too see him as our no.2 next season. KEEP

SZCZESNY: "impressed me...deserved a chance as no.2" Bloody hell. Took his chance when it arrived! The difference between him and Almunia in terms of confidence is incredible - and as a keeper, presence is everything. Limbs get everywhere, slightly reckless in his coming out and seems to be a bit of a twat too. I bloody love him. He's our twat, and he's outright no.1 in my book. Only keeper I've seen since Schmeichel to make himself that imposing when a striker is bearing down. Nothing seems to faze him, not the cock-up in CC final, not giving away the pen at WHL. He's gonna get better and better and I'm very excited to see. Kicking is atrocious though. KEEP

LEHMANN: Wenger seems to like going back to his old boys. Came in as an emergency loan, P1 W1...time for a bit of Mad Jens nuttery though in that game. Apparently gets on very well with Szczesny and may stick around as GK coach next season. KEEP (not as a player, as a legend)

DEFENCE:

SAGNA: Best rightback in the Premier League by a mile. The guy is a machine - nearly never injured (amazing at Arsenal), gets up and down all game long, all season long and is solid as a brick. Started to shoot a bit more too. Needs to improve his crossing and headbutting technique (that thing vs Citeh was embarassing). KEEP

EBOUE: Had a yo-yo career at Arsenal. Started as an impressive RB, failed to impress when shifted forward and has seemed an able deputy, with a more attacking bias to Sagna. That said, as popular as he is (now) with some fans, he never really seems to add anything. Bit of a nothing player. SELL

CLICHY: A genuine engima. Probably the best athlete in the squad, his recovery pace is incredible. His Arsenal education is evident in his comfort on the ball.However, since slipping to give that penalty away v Birmingham in 2008 (wrongly) he has always had mistakes in him. And not the little mistakes that you forget about - for some reason, Clichy mistakes always lead to goals conceded. Needs to improve on the defensive decision making - when to go forward and play cute triangles and when to hoof clear. KEEP (unless silly money comes in)

GIBBS: Very talented, very similar to Clichy. Reputation has grown on the back of him being injured and Clichy continuing his wobbles. KEEP

VERMAELEN: Shame that we missed him all season. Good pre-season under his belt and hopefully will add bite and leadership to our defence next season. Future captain perhaps? KEEP

DJOUROU: Came back from his own annus horribilis to add height, pace and calmness to our defence. Lost his league unbeaten run eventually to Bolton after a fair few years. Should be 1st choice alongside Vermaelen next season. KEEP

KOSCIELNY: Divides opinions. Had some incredible games - Barca being the standout one and is very strong defending one-on-one. However, struggled to adapt at times and picked up a few red cards and defensive howlers (Carling Cup final....shudder). Should look better now he's had time to settle in. KEEP

SQUILLACI: Good idea from Wenger, add cheap, experienced, solid defender. For some reason, it hasn't quite worked. Unlucky in that we havn't had a settled defence so hasn't had a gentle introduction alongside an experienced partner. The most expendable centre back. SELL

MIDFIELD

NASRI: Came of age this season. His first half was amazing - his confidence dribbling and shooting is very un-Arsenal. Dropped off a bit after injury, but a class act. Loves the club. KEEP

WALCOTT: As above. Adds directness that no-one else (baring maybe Arshavin) offers. His pace keeps defences back, giving the midfield more space to work with and he's scored several early goals to through balls. KEEP

ROSICKY: What if? Such a talented player, but his hamstrings have wrecked his time here. Failure to score for over a year really affected his confidence. Not a bad player to have on the bench, but rarely changes a game. SELL (reluctantly)

ARSHAVIN: The laziest player I've ever seen. Also one of the most effective. Does nothing for ages, looks puffed after 10 mins, but then plays a superb pass, makes a great run and crucially, likes to shoot. Scored some important goals and when up for it, has a great work rate, chasing back and tackling. If he could keep that up for a whole season, he'd win Player of the Year. KEEP (for now)

FABREGAS: Not his best season. He's struggled for fitness, and often seemed frustrated at how his teammates have performed in his absence. That's what it's like to be a gooner, Cesc! Would only leave for Barca, and I don't think they'll pay for him. One of the best midfielders in the world, deserves better than some of the dross he is surrounded by. If he leaves, I couldn't blame him but I hope to God he gives us another chance. KEEP

WILSHERE: I've been saying for years that the boy's a bit special (as has everyone else). Great technically, brilliant drive in the midfield and a touch feisty. Left foot is a dream. This kid is the real deal - and is better at 19 than 90% of players in the Premier League will/have ever been. Needs to add goals to his game, cut out some of the stupid tackles and stop hanging out with pillocks off the field. That includes you, John Terry. KEEP

RAMSEY: Thanks to Shawcross and Stoke, he lost a year when he was playing brilliantly last season. Slowly got fitness and form back at Cardiff, and has shown flashes of returning to his old levels towards seasons end. As with Vermaelen, needs a good preseason. KEEP

DIABY: It's no secret - I don't like him. All the skill in the world, but mentally he doesn't have what it takes and his body is more brittle than RVP. Looks good for 20 minutes out of 400. SELL

DENILSON: And whilst we're on the topic of players I don't like - Does he ever show any effort? Sideways passing is great, but doesn't try and get back when we're without the ball, gives away stupid FK/pens with his pathetic trailing-leg attempt at a tackle and offers very little going forward. Our worst midfielder. SELL

*Since this was written, he's said he wants out. Cheerio, I'll drive you to Luton myself*

SONG: Started the season without the discipline he'd previously shown and scored a few vital goals, but was caught out a few times too. I'd rather he stayed back as a shield and let Wilshere/Cesc/Ramsey pull the strings. That said, seems to have struck a good balance with Wilshere as 2 men sitting in a 4-2-1-2-1 formation. Needs backup for his role too so we can rest him occasionally. KEEP

FORWARDS

VAN PERSIE: For me, technically the best player at Arsenal. His touch and vision is breathtaking. Has perfected the lone striker role brilliantly, and forged a great relationship with Walcott. Form since January is the best in the country, and with the decline of Drogba, the moodiness of Torres and the weight-gain of Rooney, the best striker in the country (Tevez may argue this one). Should sacrifice whatever it takes to stay fit, be that International football or his own children. KEEP (obviously joking re: child sacrifice....sort of)

CHAMAKH: Great start to the season, but then something strange happened. He changed his style of play completely...going from a direct player who looked to spin the defender/play on the last shoulder and won penalties/FK as a result (as well as getting through on goal) to a striker who played with his back to goal. His form droppped as a consequence, lost fitness and confidence and has hardly had a look in due to the form of RVP. Lets see Early-season Chamakh in future please! KEEP

BENDTNER: Divides opinion like no other player in the squad. I like him. I think he's pretty good for a 23 year old, has a good all-round game and famously has no issues with self-confidence (11/9 on a confidence scale). Has had a niggly season due to injuries and the formation we play not suiting him ideally, but is a great player to have on the bench, a real Plan B. Should try and make himself indispensible, and work on his finishing and 1st touch. KEEP

VELA: Even stopped scoring in the Carling Cup. When I was working at Arsenal a couple of years back, a Mexican fan asked me why Vela couldn't play for Mexico as he played for Arsenal. I think he now does, only we've suffered rather than Mexico benefit. Too lightweight, too often off the pace. Can't get a game at WBA, can't get a game at the Arsenal. SELL

ASSORTED YOUNGSTERS/LOANEES: Only Lansbury should be given a chance in the first team squad next season. The rest should either go out on loan again (JET, Frimpong, Eastmond) or be sold (Randall, Traore).

So there is my player-by-player squad review. I'd buy another centre back, another right back and an understudy for Song (could be an older experienced, Gilberto-esque player). That's without selling anyone - anyone sold should be replace on top of that. I'd also like to see some backroom changes - let's get in a defensive coach (Keown/Bould have been mentioned) and a GK coach too (come back Bob Wilson....). I'd also like to see more shooting practice on the cards as our conversion rate must be frustratingly small. If we could improve it by 5-10%, we'd win the league, even with a shoddy defence!

Thanks for reading!