S14M17, 18 & 19: Good Tidings

Firstly, thanks for the lovely comments from last week's blog. Much appreciated.

Weird weekend. Very low odds all round - but plenty of surprise results saw a poor score for many. 3/10 games scored 0. Unusual! Huge pet peeve is the first match of the weekend going all Pete Tong. My brain cannot accept this. So a flat Arsenal performance at home versus a very organised Everton broke us all, and especially me. I was having a lovely lunch with a fellow Arsenal fan & former Impossibilitee player and frankly we forgot all about our woes until we saw the score. Woeful and Woefull. Liverpool dropped points at Fulham, but given the circumstances, will probably think it was a point gained rather than 2 dropped. Newcastle are in a boom phase at present as is the Geordie tradition - it will not last because that's also a Geordie tradition. Big, late away win for Ipswich saw the end of Gary O'Neill at Molineux, and and equally late winner for Forest has seen a few more moans around Emery grow. Forest are having a good season though to be fair. Palace got a good away win in the weirdest derby in football, whilst yet more late derby drama at the Etihad saw City hilariously throw away a win and keep piling the pressure on Pep. Chelsea continue to be pretty good without being good and then Spurs THUMPED Southampton, who too have dispensed with the services of their manager. Lastly, another lovely late goal saw Bournemouth rescue a point with a wonderful free kick from some bloke I'd definitely heard of beforehand. Promise.

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Let's get statty:

This week, 22 people played
Most popular predicted result: Arsenal, Liverpool & Chelsea WINS (22/22)
Most disputed predicted result: Forest vs Villa (9-7-6 split)

Highest odds: Josh Daniels (653/1)
Lowest odds: Feneley (183/1)
Average odds: 335/1

Best predictor: Josh Daniels (5/10)
Worst predictor: David Graniewitz (1/10)
Average score: 3.36/10

Best predicted result: Chelsea WIN (22/22)
Worst predicted result: Arsenal vs Everton DRAW, Fulham vs Liverpool DRAW & Ipswich WIN (0/22)

Everyone's score:

Leaderboard (>2/3; 11/16)

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To this week's predos:

Matchday 17

Matchday 18

Matchday 19

Good luck all & wishing you all well over the festive season!

S14M16: 1946 and All That

 A slightly different blog from me this week. Forgive me, but it's my canvas...

This week, my grandfather passed away. He'd had a long, fulfilling life full of excitement and adventure. Equally importantly, he also had a good death - peaceful and comfortable, surrounded by his loved ones, with just enough time for everyone to say goodbye, but not so much time that he was suffering.

My grandfather was very keen on sports. He would regularly tell us of when he boxed at school (complete with shadowboxing a left jab uncomfortably close to your face), and is responsible for the golfing spark in several of his grandchildren. Later on in life, he took up bowls and competed at a relatively high level, including internationally. He loved "rugger" and I have very vivid memories of watching Grandstand on a Saturday afternoon when we were at my grandparents' house growing up. In fact, that TV often had some sort of sports on - I also remember watching Freddie Flintoff smash South Africa all around the park in the 2003 test at Lords, including this moment where his bat just gave up on him. One smash too far.

Strangely though, he never really had an interest in football. He was nominally a Derby County fan - a boy who'd grown up in North London, spent part of the war evacuated in Berkshire and latterly ended up in Hertfordshire professed allegiance to the 1946 FA Cup winners in his early adolescence and never really shifted. As reasons go.....

Of course, he knew nothing about Derby. He could tell you their strikeforce in 1946, but knew nothing of the Jim Smith revival, the Paolo Wanchope-inspired massacre at Old Trafford or the infamous trivia answer that was the 2007-2008 season. I told him this week's result - a 0-0 draw away at Burnley when I saw him this week - a great result breaking a streak of 3 defeats, and I got nothing back. Admittedly, he was on some lovely medication to keep him comfortable, but the truth is I could have had the exact same response to a Derby result 5 years earlier. I never really understood why he kept up the charade - in a family full of passionate football fans (~70% Arsenal, 30% Spurs - how North London...) maybe he just wanted to be a part of the conversation. 

Anyway, I'll never find out now. But you can be sure I'll be following the Rams for the rest of the season, hoping for a mid-season revival and a play-off charge. And when they bounce back up, I'll have a little toast (of cloudy lemonade) in his honour. 

💗

S14M15: The Jonny May Fixture Schedule

I do like a double fixture week. I especially like a double fixture week with 2 wins obviously, but a bit of frenetic Barclays to shake the tree is exactly what Christmas is all about. None of this tinsel stuff.

I often feel teams start playing 4D chess here, trying to protect their squads and this can lead to stuff happening. Goals, chaotic defending, some rust in squad players and we're not close enough to Xmas itself where the tactical red to spend the holidays at home with the family comes into play. Allegedly.

So - Weekend games were fun. Goals galore and the most one-sided Man City-Liverpool game for a while. When was the last time Man City were this flat for this long?

This then continued through into the midweek matches. Everton got their first win for ages, as did City. Carnage on the Toon and feasting on the Solent. Set Piece FC did their thing to hand Amorim his first taste of defeat in the Manchester gig, but sadly, he appears to be the first real coach Man Utd have had since Ferguson. Party time may be over after a decade...

What else? Spurs followed up thumping City away by drawing to 10 man Fulham and losing to Bournemouth. Brentford went Jekyll & Hyde as they and Villa got a win and a loss each. 

Lovely.

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Let's get statty:

Matchday 13

This week, 23 people played
Most popular predicted result: Brighton WIN (23/23)
Most disputed predicted result: Wolves vs Bournemouth (14-5-4 split)

Highest odds: AFM (2043/1)
Lowest odds: Fenely (854/1)
Average odds: 1493/1

Best predictor: Loads of us (7/10)
Worst predictor: Loads of you (4/10)
Average score: 5.70/10

Best predicted result: Arsenal WIN (22/23)
Worst predicted result: Brighton vs Southampton DRAW (0/23)

Matchday 14

This week, 24 people played
Most popular predicted results: Arsenal & Chelsea WINS (23/24)
Most disputed predicted result: Ipswich vs Palace (7-10-7 split)

Highest odds: AFM (16,277/1)
Lowest odds: Geoffrey Skolnick (1786/1)
Average odds: 6325/1

Best predictor: Massey Ratings (8/10)
Worst predictor: Loads of us (4/10)
Average score: 5.17/10

Best predicted results: Arsenal & Chelsea WINS (23/24)
Worst predicted result: Newcastle vs Liverpool DRAW (2/24)

Everyone's score:

Leaderboard (>2/3; /)

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To this week's predos:

Good luck all

S14M13-14: Advent Football

Gosh you lot.

Can't a man cook a lovely steak'n'ale pie without being harangued.

What happened last week? Wonderful stuff all round.

Maresca got his revenge at New Filbert St. Maresca's Revenge - sounds like something you'd get after eating some dogy food at a trattoria in Naples. Brighton won the South Coast battle - registering yet again my immense love for Joao Pedro on this medium. Superb player, would love to see him in the Arsenal squad from Jan.

Speaking of Arsenal, an excellent win, driven by Odegaard vs a Forest team who were unexpectedly poor given their great start to the season. Draws at Goodison & Villa Park will be swept over whilst the shock result of the weekend was a massive 4-1 win for Wolves at Fulham.

Why a bigger shock than at City you ask? 1) 5 in a row. Eeesh. 2) Spurs are the hoodoo team. Bizarrely. But that was big. Do Feyenoord come back from 3-0 down without the hit to the aura? Dunno

Amorim got his first win vs Ipswich in a comfortable game. Oh. no. Never write your headline before fulltime.

Southampton did their bit to gift Liverpool 3 points over and over. That Mane money still sitting pretty. Finally, big win for West Ham up at Newcastle. They were looking to be in a little trouble early on so need to create some distance.

S14M12: Four Month Run

Oh yeah, it's back. And no stupid breaks now for ages. Just 2 games a week for eternity* now.

In time honoured tradition, I wont rehash the fixtures of 2 weeks yore, mainly because I can't really remember them. Let's look forward to this wekeend though.

The real story, is at Old Trafford (game to be played at Portman Road). I have a mate, Will. Will looks a bit like Bruno Fernandes. I've pointed this out to him over the years. But now I'm stuck. Because I'm now not sure if he looks more like Bruno Fernandes or Ruben Amorim, who takes the reins after a bit of a wait. Nice easy fixture, nobody could lose to Ipswich this season....

Few other matches of note.

Maresca returns to New Filbert St, Man City look to arrest their mini-slump against their bogey team, Spurs and VVD comes back to St Marys. Elsewhere, there's a South Coast derby, Arsenal play Forest, Villa could finish off Glasner. Let's see....

*We'll worry about that in the future.

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Let's get statty:

This week, 24 people played
Most popular predicted result: Spurs WIN (24/24)
Most disputed predicted result: Crystal Palace vs Fulham and Chelsea vs Arsenal (7-6-11 splits)

Highest odds: AFM (2773/1)
Lowest odds: Feneley (659/1)
Average odds: 1694/1

Best predictors: DSIL, JA & Opta (6/10)
Worst predictor: JMAC (2/10)
Average score: 4.46/10

Best predicted result: Liverpool WIN (23/24)
Worst predicted result: Ipswich WIN (0/24 - can't smile without you)

Everyone's score:

Leaderboard (>2/3; 8/11)

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To this week's predos:

Good luck all

S4M11: Gloves on

I do not like being cold. I've never liked it. Stupid weather, stupid seasons, utterly pointless if you ask me. We started life in the warmth, and some idiotic ancestor migrated to what is effectively a giant outdoor freezer.

Humans were not designed to live in the cold. This is why they end up doing silly things like living in Ice Houses and fighting mammoths and signing giant Norwegians who are massive frauds and lead their teams to embarrassing defeats at teams from sunnier climes. See, if your other Norwegian leader is missing from your trip to a polar region, you also do badly. QED.

In fact, arguably, temperature played a part in every single result this weekend with no away wins. Leicester couldn't cope with the swirling winds of Suffolk, eventually forcing their way to a late point against woeful Ipswich. Liverpool equally called on the gods of the Irish Sea to overturn a defict against placid Channelers, Brighton - reversing the calm win from local buds Southampton vs Everton. Notts Forest took a dub for the midlands over Londoners West Ham, whilst Spurs beat Villa to rescue pride and Chelsea rescued a point in rainy Manchester ('cos London is quite arid at the minute). Fulham & Brentford, in fairness, wasn't hugely impacted by the weather, but was impacted by 2 late winning goals from Harry Wilson.

So we're just left with the score draw between Wolves and Eagles, and in fairness, if they were to have a real life fight, I reckon that's a better result for the eagle than the wolf. Wolves are hardcore.

S14M10: Euro Royale

You'se lot eh. So needy.

Anticlimactic now. Like Tommy in Guy Ritchieland, you have removed the delicious, sweet, sticky middle from my fried dough.

Oof. So, yeah, some football happened. 

Nott(s) Forest won. Late goals at Villa Park (to draw) and Brentford (to win).  And Brighton (to draw). Could have done a whole para on that. Late goals and stuff. But now you won't get to read it as I'm sulking.

Man City scored early. See, little linked segue. Nice. You don't deserve this. They then faffed about and played with their food, with a last gasp chance for the Saints nearly earning an undeserved point and place in Para 1. Which would have meant there was no Para 2.

Or 3. See what I've done. Everton also scored late.

Sunday was nice home wins for Chelsea, Palace and a late, controversial penalty winner for West Ham, which finally was too much for Man Utd and they binned off Ten Hag, tragically, as he was yet another awful manager running Utd into the ground. Eventually they'll get it right, and Amorim certainly has the tools to be that guy. Shame. I was rooting for the Rio/Scholesy double act.

Arsenal & Liverpool gunslung a 2-2 draw and that, folks, was all she wrote.

S14M9: Mutiny within the camp

Right. Ingrates.

Just you wait. When I set up my ImpossibiliPatreon and you're all paying £5/m for this game, you'll remember these halcyon days.

I was going to write a lovely flowery blog, replete with wit and whimsy. Incisive analysis. Illustrative analogies. Soaring, inspiring words, dancing off your screens.

But now I won't. So sucks to be you.

Quick recap of the football. 

Early Saturday kick off saw West Ham take the lead, lose the lead then lose their heads. Bubbly. More red card carnage at the Cottage where Fulham, er, took the lead, lost the lead and then...yes. Brentford too took the lead, lost the lead but managed to at least retain 11 players at Old Trafford, even though they might have preferred 10 players and a point. Hope you're keeping up with the maths. Finally - we get to a game where a team, Brighton, in a lovely away kit, both took the lead, kept the lead and kept their heads, beating Newcastle at St James' Park.

Fear not friends, because the absolute comedy show that is Southampton Football Club are up next. They, in fairness, slightly bucked the grain formed above, taking the lead, THEN losing their heads before losing the lead, and any hope of a pyrrhic draw with a last gasp 98th min winner for Leicester. P8, W0 D1 L7 for the Saints, who I think can already be said to be safe to go down.

Everton won, 2-0, routine. This is a story in and of itself. But we won't get there because more red card nonsense at Bournemouth where a poor Arsenal were punished by officials and opposition, losing 2-0 in the upset of the weekend. 

Expected wins for Man City & Liverpool on the Sunday - the former not without yet more VAR controversy, and yet more last minute John Stonesing. If he rang my doorbell selling double glazing, not only would I not buy any, but I think I'd accidentally run over his sample bag. Wink Wink. Smirk.

Forgot there was a Monday game until it was done but LOLOLOL WOOD scored the winner for FOREST. More of this. Andy KING out of retirement to play for Palace. Lie FANG to sign for Wolves. Schweinsteiger for Fulham. Ok, done now. 

S14M8: Autumnal Zen

Right folks. 

You know the drill by now. 2 weeks of results to do after an international break where I don't know not care who was playing means my hot takes are now ice cold, and I can't even remember which PGMOL fraud I'm supposed to still be raging at.

Lovely place to be. We should have MORE international football. Said literally nobody ever. Let's just get to it, shall we?

S14M6/7: Autumn reigns

I'm writing this on Thursday. That's 4 and a bit days after Sunday's nonsense and I think my heart rate has just about returned to normal. I just can't be bothered to go there again. It's all old news, tired arguments and driven by narrative and bias. 

My one comment - I just don't believe that this initiative is beneficial for the game - it is both ineffective and disproportionate to a problem that - compared to many in the game - did not rely require focus. Let's sort out ensuring tackles like Lissandro Martinez's are punished before we get petty shall one - one annoys fans (subjectively), the other is a clear and present danger to the health and career of professionals.

Let's start at the beginning of the weekend. A comfortable win for a Chelsea side settling under Maresca at West Ham, as well as for Villa in one of the midlands derbies, vs Wolves. Don't get geographical with me. Neither are the North, apparently, so they're Midlands. The end. Arsenal B Fulham beat Newcastle handily, as did Spurs vs Brentford...predictably. Draws galore between Leicester & Everton & Southampton and Ipswich, with a last gasp equaliser for the Tractor Kids. Liverpool stuffed Bournemouth and the evening game saw Man Utd and Palace play out a bad-tempered, bad-finishing scoreless draw.

Sunday was a tale of 2 red cards - Gibbs White's nonsense being the appetiser to Trossard as above. Not going there...nice try. Both games ended 2-2 - the game in the North had my focus if I'm honest, so no idea what happened in the other one but we'll say it was well deserved and everyone shook hands. Except Robert Jones who is a wally, having sent off everyone he looked at.

Enough. My fury is climbing again. The PGMOL is based out of Wembley Stadium if anyone wants to dirty protest with me....

S14M5: 149, 259, 379

Let's start at the beginning and the bottom. Southampton and Everton. Wow, they are bad. Both teams conspiring to throw away promise - a first half-penalty at 0-0 for the Saints and a second consecutive 2-0 lead for Everton to lose. Why not just relegate them already and save their fans? I admittedly know very little about Southampton's last few years but Everton have been asking to be relegated for several season now - will this be their lucky year?

The 2 other promoted teams did better - creditable draws away to Brighton and Palace respectively. Fulham have started the season well but yet another late goal conceded lost them 2 points to West Ham - will this trend persist? Liverpool suffered a shock home defeat to Forest - lots of sterile possession defeated by a great finish on the counter - the classic underdog sucker punch. Bournemouth's loss to Chelsea was almost the inverse. No possession, loads of chances, still lost to a late goal - only Chelsea's 2nd chance with an xG of >0.1 all game. Brentford also played really well and left empty handed from the Etihad. 4 games played for City - 11 goals, 9 from Haaland. The wrong Norwegian had his foot amputated last week....

North London Derby day saw Tottenham High Road painted red, again. For all the talk about Arsenal's midfield woes, there was basically nothing from Spurs all game and Set Piece FC scored again, led from the front by the highest scoring set piece defender in modern times. Cockahoop. Finally, Wolves looked on course for a solid win at home to Newcastle, but decided not to bother playing for 5 minutes, conceded 2 from distance and Newcastle went home with the dub.

S14M4: 5peat it is then

Oh a post-international blog. My favourite.

1) The international break 3 weeks into the season is a crime.

2) It's got all cold

3) People have lost their mind. I had someone tell me this week that their favourite footballer was....Mohammed Elneny. That too, friends, is a crime.

Usually I hate these blogs because I have to reach back through time, remember what happened 2 weeks ago and then write something when everyone's forgotten/moved on.

WELL NOT THIS TIME. Now I get to say my piece on Ricegate.

What a load of nonsense. I mean fine, do the letter of the law. But then letter of the law everything. Throw ins from the correct blade of grass. Penalties at every corner. 4 red cards a side for all the yellows being handed out. Maybe book Joao Pedro for a *more* egregious incident in the first half, or send off Veltman for kicking Rice - ball was moving, so couldn't have been trying to take the free kick....it's just a swipe off the ball. Mr Beckham will tell you how that one goes....

Anyway, as I say about 4 times a year, the PGMOL are the absolute worst. Worse than Michael Owen. Worse than people who eat beige. Worse even, than people who pronounce "specifically" as "pacifically".

I detest Howard Webb and all who sail within him. In the bin.

In football terms, some stuff happened, it was weeks ago, let's move on

S13 Rewind: Reviewing those Pre-Season Predos

I've also LOVED international football. Discard all previous comments. Got some time now to get out the pre-season predos blog so Hannah stops texting me every single day. At 5am. I hope....

Let's get started:

Firstly, thanks to the 20 people who submitted predos. I'll use your initials as per the results graphs/leaderboard to make my life easier.

Champions
Unsurprisingly, most people went for Man City to win the league. 13 for City (DH, ND, DSIL, RD, SD, DG, DWIG, JMAC, JG, AK, NK, Rk, MH), 6 for Arsenal. One weirdo, NJSPTC went for Chelsea. That went well.

Runners Up
7 votes for City, 6 for Arsenal (ND, DSIL, RD, DWIG, AK, NK), 4 for Man Utd. 2 for Chelsea (JMAC ofc, delusional leek-botherer and MH) and 1 for Newcastle (DG)

CL Places
Third: Arsenal 7, Liverpool 5 (ND, ZD, JD, DSIL, RD), Man Utd 4 Chelsea 3 & Newcastle 1
Fourth: Man Utd 6, Liverpool 5, Chelsea 4, Newcastle 3, Spurs 1 (RK) & Luton 1 (NJSPTC) - not sure which was more delusional....

Nobody saw Villa sliding into 4th. Not even Unai Emery the giant fraud.

EL Places
Fifth: Chelsea 4, Liverpool 4, Newcastle 4, Spurs 4 (ZD, DSIL, NK, MH), Villa 2, West Ham 1, (HS....hmmmm) Man Utd 1
Sixth: Newcastle 5, Brighton 3, Chelsea 3 (RD, DG, NK), Liverpool 3, Villa 2, Spurs 2, Arsenal 1, Man Utd 1 

DSIL & I were the best at working out who'd be good.....

Relegation
Luton - 18. Only NJSPTC (more on him) and RK felt they'd stay up
Burnley - 2. AK & RK. That family HATE Turf Moor.
Sheff Utd - 8 (DH, ND, HS, RD, SD, DWIG, JG, NK)

Who else did we go for?

Let's get the comedian out the way first. NJSPTC said Spurs, 3 times. Like a chef presenting a single ingredient plate. Now I'm all for Spurs getting relegated. That would be funny, but you still need 2 other clubs 'cos rules. So, please...Spurs, Chelsea, Man Utd in future.

Notts Forest - 9
Wolves - 7
Everton - 5 
Bournemouth - 5
Fulham - 2
West Ham - 1

League Cup Winner
Man City - 7
Man Utd - 5
Arsenal - 4
Chelsea - 1
Spurs - 1
Newcastle -1
Aston Villa -1

Awkward - nobody saw Jurgen signing off with silverware

FA Cup Winner
Man Utd - 3 (DH, NJSPTC, DG)
Arsenal - 8
Man City - 4
Liverpool - 3
Spurs - 1
Chelsea - 1

Champions League Winner
Real Madrid - 9 (DH, DB, ND, ZD, JA, DG, DWIG, NK, ED)
Bayern - 5
Man City - 4
Arsenal - 1 (optimistic JD)
Barca - 1 (NJSPTC)

Europa League Winner
Liverpool - 11
Roma - 2
Arsenal - 1
Man Utd - 1
Aston Villa - 1 - especially impressive from JG as they weren't in the competition
West Ham - 1
Ajax - 1
Sevilla - 1
Villareal - 1

Nobody went for Atalanta

Europa Conference League Winner
Aston Villa - 9
Fiorentina - 5
Liverpool - 1
Maccabi Tel Aviv - 2
Fenerbahce - 1
Hapoel Beer Sheva - 1
Eintracht Frankfurt - 1 

Close but not cigar for the Viola fans - Olympiakos won in ET

First PL Manager to be sacked
There was very little love for Lopetegui lasting the season - and he left a week before.
This screwed the 4 people who went for him, who can have a moral victory point.
JD foresaw this and stated Silva would be his pick in that scenario along with JMac. Wrong, but nice try.
The only person to correctly predict Paul Heckingbottom to be the first to go was ND. Well done.
Others were:
Big Ange - 2
Kompany - 2
Hodgson - 1
Emery - 1
Frank - 1
O Neil - 1
Dyche - 1
Pocchetino - 1
Cooper - 3
Moyes - 1

Top Scorer
Nice and quick this one
1 vote for Bukayo Saka (HS), 1 for Harry Kane (not quite sure DG gets the credit for his shiny new cannon trophy) and 18 for the RoboViking

Golden Gloves
Another field made a mockery of by the folks at Transfer Window Inc. 6 people went for Ramsdale, recognising the Arsenal defensive strength. This was before Raya signed on loan, who went on to win the award. So moral victories again to DB, ZD, HS, DG, AK & ED.
5 votes for Ederson and Pope each, 1 for Alisson and a super-optimistic 3 for Onana, who I believe ended the season with something like a 2 goals conceded/game stat. Maybe in all comps, but still.

Best New Signing
As per usual, WhoScored.com ratings used
Let's start with the bad.
Mason Mount (6.32 - HS) managed to have a worse season than Jurrien Timber who blew out his ACL within 45 minutes (6.43 - DB, ND, ZD, SD), Matt Turner who lost his job shortly after (6.47 - RD) or Sandro Tonali (6.53, MH) who was a naughty boy and got banned.
Mid-level seasons for Szoboszlai (6.81, JD ), Onana (6.84, DH) Caicedo (6.85, ED), Gvardiol (7.03, NJSPTC - strong finish), Jackson (7.07, JMAC, JG ) and Mac Allister (7.09 - DWIG, sort of).
Strong seasons from James Maddison (7.17 - JA, DG, AK, NK, RK & DWIG - sort of) - Spurs fans really liked that signing - who in fairnes looked good until injury hit and the winner, Declan Rice (7.38 - DSIL).

Worst New Signing
Bizarrely, many of the same names. Maddison the best of these (DSIL, JG and DG hedging his bets. ED also thought he'd just get injured. Which was right, but only after playing well). MH thought it'd be £60m down the drain, but Kai Havertz (7.16) proved him wrong. NK hated Mac Allister, Harry Maguire came from DWIG who - well....he's a united fan who presumably knows he isn't a new signing....
JD & DH (hedging bets) went for Onana, HS for Szoboszlai and JA for Højlund (6.7). SD went for Axel Disasi (6.58), RK & NK went for Nkunku (6.49 -to wind up their family?) whilst I went for Ashley Young who had a good season in some ways in that he didn't have a bird poo in his mouth again. Unfortunately for him, he was rubbish on the pitch, scoring 6.4, which was still better than poor Mason Mount (DB, ND and a very, very angry JMAC - probably better to aim your anger California way there fella....)

And that, folks, is the very belated pre-season predos from last year.

S14M3: Temporary Finality

Happy TDD everyone!

Hope you're wearing something yellow to celebrate. I forgot, so had to pinch a hi-vis vest off a bloke on the train platform just before the doors slammed shut. Last minute loan deal, no option to buy.

I jest of course. My sporting director is highly organised and so we completed all our business weeks ago. Sure, if there's a market opportunity, we might dabble but we think we have enough to achieve our aims and the boys are training well and focused on the weekend.

Great stuff when the script works for all areas of my life.

Last weekend was fun eh?

Last minute Brighton winner after a ridiculous offside to deny Man Utd the lead. Zirkzee just needs to play dead there. Bet Garnacho was fuming. He always seems slightly upset even on his good days. Crystal Palace's fantastic form at the end of the season has died a death after the summer, with a limp home defeat to West Ham. Hale End beat Leicester 2-1, City smashed Ipswich from behind - RoboHaaland fulling operational already. Notts Forest got a good away win at St Marys and Spurs thumped an Everton side already in mucho troubl-o. Arsenal managed to get away from Villa Park and their bogey team from last season with a robbed 3 points - Ollie Watkins really should have had a couple but them's the breaks kiddo. May Unai Emery forever mix up the salt and sugar when cooking, amen.

On Sunday, one of my favourite fixtures - the Eddie Howe derby - ended in a mental draw (oh hello VAR controversy, again....). I always like the geographically top-to-bottom match ups. Wolves and Chelsea also played out a mad one - basketball in the first half, Madueke flipped off a city and then scored a 15 min hat trick and yeah - a 6-2 win that will worry no future opponent of either team.

Liverpool won 2-0 at home to Brentford. I really need to remember to take Toney out my fantasy team. 

S14M2: Yellow Ball Weather

And just like that, the new season is now just the season. We're underway and in many ways, it's like nothing has changed.

Man Utd got a slightly fortunate win, Liverpool relied on Mo Salah to breakdown a very motivated newly promoted side and Arsenal cruised a bit without really sparkling on an opening day. Brighton were the surprise fun package in the post-de Zerbi era, spanking Everton 3-0 - my thinking for a solid, functional Everton to be solidly mid-table might need a little tweaking. Newcastle won at home after going down to 10 men for a "football" headbutt. More of a nuzzle, but it was enough for a red, in a way that a choke or a grope wasn't in North London....

Late goals at Forest saw a point gained, and at West Ham, an extra 2 heading back to Villa Park. Ivan Toney has been dropped (forever it seems) by Brentford, which royally screwed me for FPL, but Brentford didn't need him, beating Palace in the battle of South-ish London. Stretching geography but they'll do as rivals. In West West London, Chelsea dipped into their NFL size roster before doing what they usually do and playing Nico Jackson, who refused to score, City scored twice whilst missing several players and RoboHaaland taught the most irritating man in the PL a lesson about singing stupid songs with stupid hair when your stupid football can't back it up. 

Finally, Leicester's return to the PL has been pretty stormy, but in someways, it was as if they never left - Jamie Vardy downed a red bull and then scored, before engaging in some excellent trolling of the travelling fans. Never change Jamie.....

Let's get statty....

S14M1 + PSP: It starts, now

Hello! Welcome back old friends & hopefully hello new friends!

14th Season. Anyone who's been here since Day 1 needs to get a life. Weirdos.

Bit of a Mea Culpa. As is traditional, I take some time away from the football after the season ends. This sort of included the Euros until it didn't. So I'd started my review of the Pre-Season predos from S13, but then never went back to it. It will follow ASAP.

I'd then planned to do this blog whilst I was away but the WiFi was so awful in general, I gave up. Then I managed to delete what I'd already written. So here we go, better late than never.

The Technical Stuff

So - let's start with the formalities. If you've played before, skip this paragraph. If you haven't let me direct you to the Rules tab above. It's pretty simple. Each week, you choose which team you think will win the match, or whether you think it'll be a draw. Think Football Pools style for those of you over 60. Each corrrect prediction = 1 point. Scores are averaged out over the season in a leaderboard - best predictor at the end wins the coveted Impossibilitee trophy. Bylaw - if a matchweek has fewer than 7 games, we ignore it, if it has 7-9 games, it get's pro-rated. 

That's it. That's the game. For those who like a flutter and want to share their 10 match accumulator odds, there's an *optional* field to fill in.

We also have included a bunch of celebrity/tech-led predictors and models - just for fun and to benchmark yourself against. 

The Prizes

The MAIN prize is of course the coveted Impossibilitee trophy. Engraved and shiny, or at least it will be as soon as I find an engraver who havsnt put their prices up 300% since the last time a human won it. This is awarded to the player who tops the leaderboard, for which you need to have played >2/3 of available matchdays to qualify.

There is also a CASH PRIZE for the best human players. The total pot is £100 - to be split as follows

Best Human Player:  £70
2nd Best: £20
3rd Best: £10

The caveat - you have to play 31 weeks to qualify. That's >80% - so it'll be a real test of the best predictors over the course of the season.

There is no cost to enter, but donations to pay for my lunch are gratefully received. Cost of living and all.

The Predictions

Matchday 1:

Pre-Season Predos:

Finally - the more the merrier. So please - everyone, ask a friend to play. Last season we had 21 people in the leaderboard at the end of the season, up from 18. So, let's aim for 30 this season. I send reminders out via the WhatsApp group - so let me know if you want anyone else added - and set alarms and reminders yourself because, let's face it, there'll be at least one week where I forget. 

Good luck all!

S13: The Presentation

"Football, Bloody Hell" was the refrain from a certain Glaswegian after some late drama in a big game with silverware on the line.

Well. 

We all thought that might be the case yesterday. Arsenal upsetting the odds to win the league. Last day drama to rival Agueeeeerrrrooooooo in 2012 or Mickey Thomas in 1989. Right idea - wrong place.

Ultimately, there was no real drama to be had. Foden scored in the second minute, then again about 15 minutes after that and frankly, it was all done. Pretty much everything of note was already decided so it was just day for lots of goals in the sun.

Until today. Yes, that's right - 24 hours after the matches did the real drama happen. 

I sat down to do my end of season stats. If you cast your mind back to, er, last week, you'll know that 0.04 separated Massey Rating from Eli Daniels at the top. One of these two TITANS would win the prestigious trophy that's been sitting by my desk for years because no bloody human can win it....

A quick spoiler: MR got 7. A perfectly adequate score. Eli would need to beat him to win the league.

So I sat down to do me stats....

You will notice the absence of an Eli Daniels. WHO FLUFFS THEIR LINES AT THE LAST? The title on the line and he's decided this is one (of his many) week(s) he's not going to play. I complete my stuff, MR of course wins the league and I message Eli to effectively berate him.

"I did play" he replies.

Proof is provided of his absence. 

I ask what proof he can share - anything timestamped in advance of kick off is permissible as you know (and some of you have benefitted from before....). A betting slip. Another set of predos. Anything will do - I'm not having Google take the blame....

He dolefully replies that he doesn't bet and only plays this game. (Thanks mate....)

Then the lightbulb moment. The ripple in the crowd. 

"I've got a screenshot!" he says. A completed prediction form, timestamped at 11.23pm on Saturday night is provided.

Absolute pandemonium erupts. Well, for me. I've got to redo my sodding tables and graphs.

There's a lesson here. Stop blaming one of the world's largest technology companies for your inability to press the button that says submit. Or I'll be forced to turn on email receipts or something.

Anyway, for the last time this season: Let's get statty:

S13M38: It Ends Here

So here we go. 10 matches, one day. The title on the line. Maybe some EL movement. Realistically, no relegation drama. So it's this:

Can West Ham take points off Man City?
No: Man City win the league
Yes: Can Arsenal beat Everton - if they do, they're champions.

Let me take you back to another May fixture between Arsenal & Everton in North London. May 1998. My friend Adam's sister, Gemma was having a birthday party. He didn't want to go, they had SkySports and we didn't, so I went to Adam's house and watched the game in his parents' bedroom with Adam and his grandfather. Adam is a Spurs fan. Adam would still rather sit through the glee of a Gooner winning the league for the first time in their conscious life than join the primary school squeals going on downstairs. 

That, my friends, is proper Norf Landan. Not this nonsense this week about throwing it vs Man City. 

Anyway, Slavan Bilic scored an early OG, Overmars got 2 classic Overmars goals and it was party time. But oh boy, did the party get started. Late on, Don Hutchison tried to stumble his way down the right wing like a drunkard, tackled by David Platt on halfway. The ball broke for Steve Bould who, as he brought the ball under control and checked inside was nearly run over by a marauding Tony Adams, building up a head of steam as he sprinted forwards from the back line - like a rugby fullback chasing a kick. Bouldy spots the run and delicately chips a ball over the Everton midfield and defence. Michael Ball, stunned, pays tribute with a hopeful appeal for offside, whilst his defensive colleagues chase backwards. Reviewing the film, Adams, incredibly, checks his run momentarily to stay onside. Just a half-step stutter, but it saves the moment. The bounce is slightly awkward, coming across him with backspin and he contorts his spine to chest the ball down with the lef tside of his chest. The ball straightens and the extremely right footed Adams absolutely thumps a left foot half volley across the keeper into the far corner from 16 yards, pure as you like. He takes 2 steps to gain his balance then slows to a walk, catching his breath, eyes closed, arms outstretched.

Martin Tyler's commentary forever baked into my brain:
"It's Tony Adams, would you believe it? That sums it all up"

Why do I mention this? No real reason - I just love this memory, and I'd rather talk about this than Son missing a sitter.

Anyway, I'll be hoping for a last minute Mavropanos winner in similar vein. 

S13M37: Keep on going

There are, at time of writing, only 10 days left in the PL season. 2 matchdays & change. I'm not going over 4 matchdays in detail, but let's see what's possible this week: 

Title: Man City could win the league before the next blog with 2 wins and an Arsenal loss. Any other result and it goes to the last day between those two. Liverpool will be mathematically out with a win for either team, and guaranteed 3rd if both win.

Top 4: Villa Win/Spurs Lose and it's all done. Villa will play CL football next year. Bloody Emery

Europe: Spurs will be in the EL with a win (GD permitting but realistically...). Newcastel, Chelsea & Man Utd will make up the rest of the EL/ECL teams but it's 2 points separating them, so all to play for. Man Utd have a 2nd bite at EL if they finish 8th due to the FA Cup final.

Relegation: Sheff Utd down. A Forest win relegates Burnley and means Luton will only be able to stay up with a massive GD swing. A Forest draw effectively relegated Burnley too, unless they overturn a massive GD swing. Burnley fail to win and they're down. Luton need to win big twice unless Forest lose once. I wouldn't put money on any great escapes here.

S13M33-35: 500 up

Hello friends!

The good folks at Blogger tell me this is the 500th Impossibilipost. This seems absolutely ridicilous and my apologies to those of you who've read every single word I've put down here. No refunds, no backsies.

This also looks to be the week where it all sharpens in the PL. City made some daylight between Arsenal & Liverpool who both suffered disappointing home defeats, as did West Ham. Newcastle thumped Spurs, which also gave Villa a bit of space in 4th. Draws between Burnley & Brighton, Notts Forest & Wolves and Bournemouth & Man Utd, who were milimeteres away from conceding a last minute penalty. Brentford beat Sheff Utd comfortably.

Finally on the Monday, Chelsea - and specifically Cole Palmer - spanked Everton. Buggered up my FPL that - not 'cos I didn't have him - I did - but I also had a few Everton players and some of my near rivals lucked out on Foden not playing so got a battlefield promotion for Palmer as their vice captain. Fuming

S13M32: Gloves off

Right, quicky this week 

Last weekend feels a while away now. Been a busy busy week at Impossibilitee Towers

What happened? City unsurprisingly won easily at Palace. The Watkins reunion was a personal success but points shared. Everton ended the week +1 point after a win vs almost relegated Burnley. Newcastle, West Ham & Arsenal all got away wins, whilst Luton scored a last minute winner too to stay in touch with the pack for the 3rd relegation spot.

Almost guaranteed to go down Sheff Utd managed to get a point against $10bn assembled Chelsea, Spurs easily beat Forest and Man Utd got absolutely battered by Liverpool, but still came a few minutes and an Elliot dive away from the smashiest of smash & grabs. That Fernandes goal was a lil' bit cheeky....

S13M31: Seconds from Disaster

This period is going to test my organisation. Lots of games, not much time to do the stats and blogs. I will be playing with AI in the summer break...

So the weekend games first. One of the all time season great games at St James Park - for a few days anyway. Bournemouth got a late victory with an injury-time OG from Seamus Coleman. Everton really struggling to get the run together that would see them safe. Chelsea - clown club, managed to drop points at home to Burnley, whilst contrasting draws - standard at Notts Forest vs Palace, last minute excitement at Sheff Utd with a last minute equaliser from Malcom in the Middle's Frankie Muniz. What a career he's had. Spurs also got the late winner to avoid an awkward draw at home to Luton, Villa won the Bad Accents derby easily. Fun fact - was in Brum last week and there was a tram from outside my hotel all the way to Wolverhampton. It took over an hour and I did not take the opportunity. Maybe next time. Then, continuing the the theme -  a very late winner from clown club Man Utd, actually was then superseded by an even later equaliser from Brentford. On the Sunday, Liverpool came from behind to deservedly beat Brighton 2-1, and Arsenal & Man City played out a *NAIL BITER*, drawing 0-0. I don't know what the moans from the neutrals were, my heartrate was up all game.

Midweek was less exciting. Until it wasn't. 1-1 draws between Newcastle & Everton, West Ham & Spurs and Burnley & Wolves. Home wins for Bournemouth and crucially for Notts Forest to stay in touch with Everton and Brentford. Brentford & Brighton drew 0-0, Arsenal cruised to a 2-0 win and Man City came from behind to thump Villa 4-1. Liverpool also won comfortably, if later than planned but then the latest and most ridiculous game arrived. Clown Club derby. Chelsea 2-0 up and cruising to a first PL win against Man Utd in 7 years. Oh, it's 2-2. Oh, Utd are winning. Oh a 97th minute penalty. Oh a 100th minute winner. 2-3 down, 4-3 up deep into injury time. Erik Ten Hag's bald sodded head shining away as his face looks as frozen as *googles celebrity botox victim*

Car crash TV. Wonderful stuff.

S13M29-30: Unbroken

2 weeks' worth of stats to get through after an international break that I've paid about 3% attention to, so forgive me for skipping to it.

This is it folks. The home stretch. No further interruptions. Here. We. Go. 

Let's get statty:

S13M27: Wake Up Sheeple

Back to a full PL programme this week, after a staggeringly homogenoous set of predictions/low betting odds.

This was in part, caused by the LC final - Spurs/Chelsea would have no doubt been a more tricky fixture to predict.

As it stands, there was very little divergence as seen below.

Villa's win over Forest, Man City's win over Bournemouth, Arsenal's win over Newcastle and Wolves win over Sheff Utd all had >95% concordance.

As did Man Utd's win over Fulham (oops) and Brighton's win over Everton (oops x2) was also pretty high at 90%. That, in fairness, seems unusual. Neither club are consistent, and Everton are artificially low in the table. Palace's win over Burnley was 81%.

So the only really split game was West Ham vs Brentford...which didn't end up being close at all. Football eh?

S13M26: Scrap the League Cup

This weekend always feels a bit of a milestone. We know it's a pro-rated week, but it also marks the turn towards the run-in for me. There are different definitions - some feel the last 8 games, some the last 10, and maybe going for the last third is a bit early, but I sort of think this time of year focuses minds. There are fewer games to make up mistakes, no transfer chat and the games start flowing with Europe and the FA adding to the burden in a way that the League cup stopped doing pre-Xmas. 

So where are we? 2 points separate the top 3. 5 points the next 3.  3 points the next 5. 5 points the next 5. Then 2 strata of relegation teams. It's all shaping up nicely. Everyone more or less still has something to play for. 

S13M25: Strata

This was doing the round this week on Twitter. 

It's basically a team rating measuring both attack & defence - you can tap Scott up directly for his specific methodology but it fits the eye test. Note - this isn't the league table because results don't equal performances - form can skew things based on sample size etc. But broadly speaking - it's about right. 3 exceptional teams - up there with any in world football. A cluster of 6 who will make up the rest of the european places and compete for cups. Mid-table solidity (including Everton who's league position is artificially low). Lower mid-table precariousness with a bad run or bad injury and then 3 weak teams - with Luton the least bad of these lot. What I like about this graphic is the spacings. Villa are as close to Wolves as they are to City. It speaks to the remarkable consistency of the 3 great teams over a prolonged period - and juxtaposed with Chelsea, Newcastle, Man Utd & Spurs who've all got (different) reasons to believe that they should be able to compete, it lays it all very stark. Special words for Brighton & Brentford, who...as ever....are punching well above their weight.

So no great shock this weekend then.  Easy wins for Man City, Arsenal & Liverpool. Man Utd beat Villa in a closer game, Chelsea overcome a poor Palace side after going behind. Spurs won at home against Brighton also from behind and Brentford won away at Wolves who've lost the flow they'd found before. Slightly upsetting this point was Sheffield United winning away at Luton - a good win for them, but both pretty poor sides, and Fulham beating Bournemouth at home is a likely success for consistency & home advantage. A high scoring week....