S4M11: Gloves on

I do not like being cold. I've never liked it. Stupid weather, stupid seasons, utterly pointless if you ask me. We started life in the warmth, and some idiotic ancestor migrated to what is effectively a giant outdoor freezer.

Humans were not designed to live in the cold. This is why they end up doing silly things like living in Ice Houses and fighting mammoths and signing giant Norwegians who are massive frauds and lead their teams to embarrassing defeats at teams from sunnier climes. See, if your other Norwegian leader is missing from your trip to a polar region, you also do badly. QED.

In fact, arguably, temperature played a part in every single result this weekend with no away wins. Leicester couldn't cope with the swirling winds of Suffolk, eventually forcing their way to a late point against woeful Ipswich. Liverpool equally called on the gods of the Irish Sea to overturn a defict against placid Channelers, Brighton - reversing the calm win from local buds Southampton vs Everton. Notts Forest took a dub for the midlands over Londoners West Ham, whilst Spurs beat Villa to rescue pride and Chelsea rescued a point in rainy Manchester ('cos London is quite arid at the minute). Fulham & Brentford, in fairness, wasn't hugely impacted by the weather, but was impacted by 2 late winning goals from Harry Wilson.

So we're just left with the score draw between Wolves and Eagles, and in fairness, if they were to have a real life fight, I reckon that's a better result for the eagle than the wolf. Wolves are hardcore.

S14M10: Euro Royale

You'se lot eh. So needy.

Anticlimactic now. Like Tommy in Guy Ritchieland, you have removed the delicious, sweet, sticky middle from my fried dough.

Oof. So, yeah, some football happened. 

Nott(s) Forest won. Late goals at Villa Park (to draw) and Brentford (to win).  And Brighton (to draw). Could have done a whole para on that. Late goals and stuff. But now you won't get to read it as I'm sulking.

Man City scored early. See, little linked segue. Nice. You don't deserve this. They then faffed about and played with their food, with a last gasp chance for the Saints nearly earning an undeserved point and place in Para 1. Which would have meant there was no Para 2.

Or 3. See what I've done. Everton also scored late.

Sunday was nice home wins for Chelsea, Palace and a late, controversial penalty winner for West Ham, which finally was too much for Man Utd and they binned off Ten Hag, tragically, as he was yet another awful manager running Utd into the ground. Eventually they'll get it right, and Amorim certainly has the tools to be that guy. Shame. I was rooting for the Rio/Scholesy double act.

Arsenal & Liverpool gunslung a 2-2 draw and that, folks, was all she wrote.

S14M9: Mutiny within the camp

Right. Ingrates.

Just you wait. When I set up my ImpossibiliPatreon and you're all paying £5/m for this game, you'll remember these halcyon days.

I was going to write a lovely flowery blog, replete with wit and whimsy. Incisive analysis. Illustrative analogies. Soaring, inspiring words, dancing off your screens.

But now I won't. So sucks to be you.

Quick recap of the football. 

Early Saturday kick off saw West Ham take the lead, lose the lead then lose their heads. Bubbly. More red card carnage at the Cottage where Fulham, er, took the lead, lost the lead and then...yes. Brentford too took the lead, lost the lead but managed to at least retain 11 players at Old Trafford, even though they might have preferred 10 players and a point. Hope you're keeping up with the maths. Finally - we get to a game where a team, Brighton, in a lovely away kit, both took the lead, kept the lead and kept their heads, beating Newcastle at St James' Park.

Fear not friends, because the absolute comedy show that is Southampton Football Club are up next. They, in fairness, slightly bucked the grain formed above, taking the lead, THEN losing their heads before losing the lead, and any hope of a pyrrhic draw with a last gasp 98th min winner for Leicester. P8, W0 D1 L7 for the Saints, who I think can already be said to be safe to go down.

Everton won, 2-0, routine. This is a story in and of itself. But we won't get there because more red card nonsense at Bournemouth where a poor Arsenal were punished by officials and opposition, losing 2-0 in the upset of the weekend. 

Expected wins for Man City & Liverpool on the Sunday - the former not without yet more VAR controversy, and yet more last minute John Stonesing. If he rang my doorbell selling double glazing, not only would I not buy any, but I think I'd accidentally run over his sample bag. Wink Wink. Smirk.

Forgot there was a Monday game until it was done but LOLOLOL WOOD scored the winner for FOREST. More of this. Andy KING out of retirement to play for Palace. Lie FANG to sign for Wolves. Schweinsteiger for Fulham. Ok, done now. 

S14M8: Autumnal Zen

Right folks. 

You know the drill by now. 2 weeks of results to do after an international break where I don't know not care who was playing means my hot takes are now ice cold, and I can't even remember which PGMOL fraud I'm supposed to still be raging at.

Lovely place to be. We should have MORE international football. Said literally nobody ever. Let's just get to it, shall we?

S14M6/7: Autumn reigns

I'm writing this on Thursday. That's 4 and a bit days after Sunday's nonsense and I think my heart rate has just about returned to normal. I just can't be bothered to go there again. It's all old news, tired arguments and driven by narrative and bias. 

My one comment - I just don't believe that this initiative is beneficial for the game - it is both ineffective and disproportionate to a problem that - compared to many in the game - did not rely require focus. Let's sort out ensuring tackles like Lissandro Martinez's are punished before we get petty shall one - one annoys fans (subjectively), the other is a clear and present danger to the health and career of professionals.

Let's start at the beginning of the weekend. A comfortable win for a Chelsea side settling under Maresca at West Ham, as well as for Villa in one of the midlands derbies, vs Wolves. Don't get geographical with me. Neither are the North, apparently, so they're Midlands. The end. Arsenal B Fulham beat Newcastle handily, as did Spurs vs Brentford...predictably. Draws galore between Leicester & Everton & Southampton and Ipswich, with a last gasp equaliser for the Tractor Kids. Liverpool stuffed Bournemouth and the evening game saw Man Utd and Palace play out a bad-tempered, bad-finishing scoreless draw.

Sunday was a tale of 2 red cards - Gibbs White's nonsense being the appetiser to Trossard as above. Not going there...nice try. Both games ended 2-2 - the game in the North had my focus if I'm honest, so no idea what happened in the other one but we'll say it was well deserved and everyone shook hands. Except Robert Jones who is a wally, having sent off everyone he looked at.

Enough. My fury is climbing again. The PGMOL is based out of Wembley Stadium if anyone wants to dirty protest with me....

S14M5: 149, 259, 379

Let's start at the beginning and the bottom. Southampton and Everton. Wow, they are bad. Both teams conspiring to throw away promise - a first half-penalty at 0-0 for the Saints and a second consecutive 2-0 lead for Everton to lose. Why not just relegate them already and save their fans? I admittedly know very little about Southampton's last few years but Everton have been asking to be relegated for several season now - will this be their lucky year?

The 2 other promoted teams did better - creditable draws away to Brighton and Palace respectively. Fulham have started the season well but yet another late goal conceded lost them 2 points to West Ham - will this trend persist? Liverpool suffered a shock home defeat to Forest - lots of sterile possession defeated by a great finish on the counter - the classic underdog sucker punch. Bournemouth's loss to Chelsea was almost the inverse. No possession, loads of chances, still lost to a late goal - only Chelsea's 2nd chance with an xG of >0.1 all game. Brentford also played really well and left empty handed from the Etihad. 4 games played for City - 11 goals, 9 from Haaland. The wrong Norwegian had his foot amputated last week....

North London Derby day saw Tottenham High Road painted red, again. For all the talk about Arsenal's midfield woes, there was basically nothing from Spurs all game and Set Piece FC scored again, led from the front by the highest scoring set piece defender in modern times. Cockahoop. Finally, Wolves looked on course for a solid win at home to Newcastle, but decided not to bother playing for 5 minutes, conceded 2 from distance and Newcastle went home with the dub.

S14M4: 5peat it is then

Oh a post-international blog. My favourite.

1) The international break 3 weeks into the season is a crime.

2) It's got all cold

3) People have lost their mind. I had someone tell me this week that their favourite footballer was....Mohammed Elneny. That too, friends, is a crime.

Usually I hate these blogs because I have to reach back through time, remember what happened 2 weeks ago and then write something when everyone's forgotten/moved on.

WELL NOT THIS TIME. Now I get to say my piece on Ricegate.

What a load of nonsense. I mean fine, do the letter of the law. But then letter of the law everything. Throw ins from the correct blade of grass. Penalties at every corner. 4 red cards a side for all the yellows being handed out. Maybe book Joao Pedro for a *more* egregious incident in the first half, or send off Veltman for kicking Rice - ball was moving, so couldn't have been trying to take the free kick....it's just a swipe off the ball. Mr Beckham will tell you how that one goes....

Anyway, as I say about 4 times a year, the PGMOL are the absolute worst. Worse than Michael Owen. Worse than people who eat beige. Worse even, than people who pronounce "specifically" as "pacifically".

I detest Howard Webb and all who sail within him. In the bin.

In football terms, some stuff happened, it was weeks ago, let's move on